I Want to be a Lab Rat

I want to do nothing all day long and have people stare at me and write up stuff all day which will entail a lot about nothing. I want to watch TV and inwardly laugh about Lucy Ricardo, Gilligan and Dr. Phil. Then, I'll itch and scratch to their amusement; perhaps even lick myself a few times. I may have to, uh, practice that. I don't think that exactly comes naturally to humans.

Think about it: no nagging spouse or kids, flop out a teat and let all the kiddies eat to their hearts' content; no one wanting any money; no car troubles; no laundry; no bills; no in-laws (except for the ones you haven't eaten yet); no jobs; no college loans; no lawn work; no trips to the Principal's office; no trips to jail (!); no school clothes shopping!

The only negative I can think of is that I think when the scientists are done with lab rates, the rats become a snake's lunch. Bastards.

Overwhelved, Ratty Fatima

Oh, Kashmir...

...everything will be alright. Mommy promises. Everything bad feels like it going to happen to you but chances are that none of it will. I've been through this a thousand times - and not to take away from your experience, you will be okay. Trust me just like you did when you were a little girl and everything was always okay.

You need:

1. a good yelling at from me over some random thing like I cant find my favorit belt; (just so you know you're home)

2. A good knock-down drag-out with Alex

3. a pedicure

4. One of my famous margaritas

5. Cold Stone ice cream

6. Long, interrupted naps

7. Panera Bread

8. Mexican candy

9. Denny's breakfast.

10. Lots and lots of love from Beana.

11. A good yoga course or meditation course

See you soon. Love, mum

P.S. The two pictures are a few things you have to look forward to.

The Last Week of My So-Called Normal Life

Yep, this is it. I should be one of those guys walking around with billboards in front and back of me proclaiming, "The End is Near." This is the last week of my normal, sorta quiet life at home with hubby and toddler.

A week from tomorrow, I have to fly to Southern California; pick up my mother; and then drive across the country back home. God only knows how this is going to seriously pan out. We'll be alone on the road. Alone. Together. For about 4 days. Hopefully, it will be over in 4 days. It has to be. I have to get back to work; back to school; back to my husband and my kids; back to my normal life.

But, is it going to be normal any more? No. She's moving in with us until she finds suitable housing. We already have kid #2 home now because we all agreed it was too expensive for room & board when she can just commute to school. Then, kid #1 is coming home too sometime later this summer. Oy. My husband literally said these words to me last night, "Where are all these people sleeping? And, I hope you know that NONE of them are sleeping with us!" I can't imagine why he wouldn't want my 68 year old mother in bed with us. Maybe he'll make an exception if we just make a pallet for her on the floor with a little sleeping bag; we'll pretend we have another new-born.....

I love them all, but I'm already looking forward to naps I won't get. I don't want to have to cook and/or clean for all these people. Is it too unrealistic to expect that they'll all wait on me?!!! Perhaps, they'll all just step up to the plate and things will be wildly fun, silly, full of laughter and memories. But just in case they're not, I'm getting my meds re-filled this Wednesday.

Fatima-the-Optimistic

Oh, My, My, My, My.....

I first heard this on the news on my way in to work yesterday and shook my head, but then the events of the day erased this memory (although I don't know how it could). Apparently, Amy Fisher (the Long Island Lolita) and Joey Buttofucco - and perhaps even Amy's new husband, Joey's ex-wife and Joey-the-Tool's new wife are all going to be on a reality show together. Now this can't be fully substantiated. I mean, I've read it on several Internet sites and heard it on the radio - but that's it folks. It's not like I've seen their contracts or anything.

When and where and how are we going to realize we've gone just a tad too far? We already have ER scenes on the Discovery channel which get pretty gruesome. I watch them, but I kinda wish they weren't on at dinner time. There's Skylab where the lesbian owner of the gym, makes out with every female within 20 feet of her (and this is no anti-gay statement, but honey, keep it in your pants for at least 30 minutes). There are at least 72 plastic surgery shows on at any given time. The Animal Planet shows grisly scenes of pet operations. It's like we're now into our "Faces of Death" reality culture. What next? We capture Bin Laden and let him have a reality show on how to fold white robes & turbans, and handle 29 wives and 57 children? Charles Manson could host one too; if we could only understand his incoherent ramblings... Reality got boring, as it usually does, so now we must interject death, blood, and gruesome-ness in all its forms, etc., to keep us entertained.

But I digress. Back to Amy and Joey, who I thought were L-O-N-G forgotten. I cannot even begin to imagine what a dinner or a conversation might revolve (oops, no pun intended) around. Naturally, amongst couples having a few glasses of wine, things like money, sex, local crimes, etc., are discussed. Okay, well they were the leading force of ALL OF THAT back in the late 80s, early 90s. I can't even remember the exact time frame now of when all of this went down. All I know is - Dear Lord - can you think of anything at all more awkward than sitting across from some old dude you used to screw for money and his wife who you SHOT IN THE FACE? Oy vey Jose! And what are they going to do with all the kids during this show? I wouldn't particularly be predisposed to being courteous to someone who shot my mother in the face and almost killed her And what about Amy's new husband? I'll betcha 10-to-1 he doesn't allow any handguns in the house.

But, here it comes............the really sad part. I will watch every bleeping second of it. Not because I'm hooked to reality TV. I can proudly declare I have never watched not even one episode of Survivor or American Idol. Oh, no. I go for the low and the dirty: Dog the Bounty Hunter, Flav-O-Flav, The Osbournes (c,mon - everyone loved Ozzy even if we couldn't understand him), and now Gene Simmons' Family Jewels. So, it is with great sadness that I confess that if this show airs, I will be sitting in front of the TV with 94% fat-free popcorn taking it all in.

Fatima-the-Pathetic

Fatima's Not-So-Secret Crush

It's a given in our home that if any of the CSIs (Las Vegas, Miami or NY) are on - don't bother mom. Mom loves them all, but the original, as with most things in life, is by far the best. Nothing beats a good Gil Grissom mystery on ANY day.

And part of why I love the show so much is simply because of his character. I think I've developed one of those stupid 12 year old crushes. In my puberty days, we had crushes on David Cassidy, Bobby Sherman, Fonzie, etc. My oldest had a thing for awhile over Mr. Pitt, and my middle child's room was once covered in posters of Mr. Timberlake (barf-ola). I'll have to wait another decade to see who child #3 has crushes on.

But, you see - I'm 43 years old!!! I'm happily married - even though that saying is sometimes referred to as an oxymoron. I'm not supposed to still have crushes, am I?? But alas, I do. I'm still moving and breathing, and gleefully looking forward to tonight's double episode. God forbid I smell smoke, cuz I'll go down in the flames before I'll miss tonight's episodes.

Fatima-Loves-Gil

Me & Cow, Together Forever

Paula - I just figured out a way we can be joined at the hip - of course we'll have to show up half time at your work, half time at mine; share chores and kids, and let's not even get into how we'll manage sex with our husbands......

Fatima Misses Cow

I got a B!!

I always strive for A's when I take courses, and in my 20s, this B would have made me cry - but I don't give the two necessary shits anymore about perfection that I used to. I almost cried because I was so happy I got the B!!! I thought for sure I would fail this course - thank you, thank you thank you!!!!

Happy (but a little less sharp) Fatima

Interesting Little Site...

So I'm perusing the Internet tonight (it's 12:15 a.m. EST). I took a nap earlier and apparently it was a little too long because now I'm finding it hard to to get sleepy.

I came across: http://drstrangesales.blogspot.com/

Hilarious. All about the odd and strange things people put out there to the public on the internet to sell. That, in and of itself, isn't so odd. I mean who hasn't seen some bizarre shit for sale on ebay? But here's what they found - this is unedited; I copied and pasted:

Rent-a-dildo! Ewwwwwww

This has to be one of the scariest sites I have ever seen! If you've ever heard of Intelliflix you'll know the kind of service this site offers but instead of giving you as many dvd rentals as you want for a fixed membership fee these guys give you a choice of hundreds of different types of dildos to rent. And send back. For other people to rent. As if that wasn't enough they actually had to make a change in their policys and put this notice on their site:"Effective immediately, we will cease lending anal sex toys to customers. This includes butt plugs, anal beads, anal probes, and dual-penetration dildos. If you currently have one of these types of rental toys, you may keep it without charge as a courtesy accommodation." (That is just an excerpt.. There was more..)

Shocked and Amazed Fatima

A Little Help, Please

Had a lovely family bonding day in Baltimore today. It was a warm, sunny 87 degrees and we took our 3 year old to the Maryland Science Center. They have two huge exhibits going on right now - one on space/planets/the solar system, and the other one is on dinosaurs. This kid loves dinosaurs as much as she loves her mommy, Happy Meals and her baby dolls. She knows all of their names, whether or not they were carnivores, and now she's beginning to learn the various periods of their existence a well (Mesozoic, Jurassic, etc.)

Any-hoo we had a great 4-hour long trip through space and dug through sand to find bones, and ate hot dogs and popcorn at the IMAX dinosaur movie. All was well in the world.

We walked back to the car and she was very pensive; obviously something was on her mind and I just assumed she was disappointed that we left and that she was in need of a nap. I asked her what was wrong.

Riley: Mommy - I don't wanna be a "vettinarian" any more. Is that okay?

Me: Honey, of course it's okay, you can do whatever you want to do when you grow up. What do you think you want to do now if you're not going to be a veterinarian?

Riley: I'm going to be a Paleontologist.

A paleontologist! She's three. I need help immediately if not sooner. I'm no retard, but this kid amazes me. I know every parent thinks their child is a genius - but I'm here to tell you - this kid is a genius. How the hell do you raise someone who's already smarter than you at 3????

Slow Bus Fatima!

Weighty Issue

So the other night, I brought up emotional eating to my therapist. He recommended a couple of books - which will mean a lovely trip to Barnes and Noble as well as an iced coffee from Starbucks - Yay!

He suggested that the yo-yo dieting, putting on an taking off of weight my entire adult life could possibly be a rebellious way of telling my father to screw off - since he's the one who used to stay on me, night and day, over my weight. This could be my way of "showing" him I'll do what I want, eat what I want, when i want, etc. Well, I sure showed him, didn't I???

But really, who is it showing anything to except the poor person standing behind me in a line thinking "baby's got BACK, and not in a good way like the song implies!

Don't know for sure; it was just one of his theories, but I'm giving it some thought. I also eat when I'm happy, bored, sad, lonely mad - emotional eating. That's what I'm going to look for at B&N this weekend. Maybe I could just take up non-stop gum chewing a la Britney Spears (except I don't think I'll be shaving my head), until my teeth fall out. that will be attractive!

Emotional Fatima

Resident Douchebags

Yep; every office, neighborhood, place of worship, club, family, etc., has them. Hate to say it guys (this is just my perspective cuz I'm a girl) - but they're usually men....usually. These DBs are the ones who, for the life of them, cannot look above your boobs, they won't open the door for you (and I don't care that I am a feminist - it's just good manners); they take the last cup of coffee and then apparently go brain-dead because they can't seem to make the next pot for others; they always use over-used corporate terms like "synergy," "thinking outside the box," and "brainstorming;" they're always oh, so busy as though the rest of the world doesn't also work and have interests that take up our time as well; they interrupt conversations; they never donate to anything in the office; they leave before the bill comes at restaurants - OR - they'll throw down a $10 or a $20 and then leave when their portion of the bill was MUCH higher, which means not only did someone else have to cover their lunch/drinks for them, we get to pick up the DB's portion of the tip as well.

I've been married my entire adult life, but I've heard some rather DB stories from my single friends who have been the unfortunate recipients of some DB's actions on dates - running out of gas; no handle on the inside of the car to get out (!); forgetting wallet; expecting sex 15 minutes into the date; talking non-stop about the ex, forgetting to mention his wife - you know, little things like that.

I'm pretty lucky I suppose; right now I have only one DB in my office; one in my neighborhood and two at my church - that's not so bad. This all started today when one DB (from a different office; not mine) looked at a picture of my 19 year old daughter and asked about her....and yes, he's more than old enough to be her father. But anyway, I told him she's majoring in Business/Economics. He guffawed (don't see that word much, do ya?) and said, "Nah; she should get into modeling." Riggghhhhttttt..........so she can just look pretty for men, weigh 78 pounds and fret because she doesn't weigh 75 (but she can always take laxatives to get rid of those last 3 pounds), wear someone else's clothes who get all the fame, glory and money, and then be a total burnout when she's somewhere between 25 - 29 because that's when all the new 14 -17 year olds take over as supermodels.

And then - as if that wasn't bad ENOUGH, he asked me if she'd ever won any beauty pageants. Beauty pageants!!!! Oh, sweet mother of Buddha. He said this to a known feminist!! I looked at him like he had 8 heads and said "I don't even allow that crazy antiquated shit on the TV in my house, are you kidding me? Rating women on their looks and their ability to twirl a baton, or tap dance?" And that's pretty much when he looked at me like I had 8 heads. Hopefully, he'll never come near my desk again. Stupid Douchbag!

I'm sure there's lots of other great DB stories out there - please share (even if they're about women, that's cool too)

Fatima - Hater of all things 'Pageant'

The Two Most Idiotic Things I Read Today

1. Ty Pennington, hunk of Trading Places, and now spokesperson for a variety of things like Sears, Black & Decker, etc., apologized for his DUI. If he hadn't been caught, would he have come out and apologized that he was drinking last night, didn't caught, but was still sorry for all the innocent lives he could have killed/endangered? No. I've driven under the influence so I'm no Pollyanna when it comes to this subject, but please quit apologizing to the press and your fans. You're sorry cuz your stupid ass got caught.

2. Kathy Hilton "stands behind her daughter." Yes, number one because no one wants to see Kathy's picture or even her for that matter, they only want to see Paris. And two, of course any self-respecting mother stands behind her daughter. Could she not have come up with anything better than that?

I've seriously got to quit reading tabloid trash, the news, or anything even resembles it. It's depressing, sad and full of pathetic indulgence. Grrrr.

Out here - Fatima

Take Home Test from Hell

I wrote in many, many posts ago that I was insane for thinking I could easily (EASILY) take and pass a Financial Analysis graduate course when I am a Financial Analyst; that's what I do for a living. Oh. So wrong. And so sad.

Well, the first quiz I swore I failed, I got scored 100. Things were starting to look up. I have since received anywhere from 88s to 100s on everything I've turned in thus far (homework problems, quizzes, mid-term, and two abstracts).

But Saturday. Oh. That was a horse of a different color. She handed out the final; she'd told us ahead of time it was a take-home, and that we had to have it back in the mail to her around Wednesday-ish so she'd have time to grade it.

I looked at it - really looked at it - Sunday morning over coffee. I thought I picked up a copy of the Ukranian Times. Or perhaps a do-it-yourself manual for a nuclear missile written in Cantonese. I swear to God - I don't remember learning any of this shit! I mean I know I daydream from time to time (well..........a lot), but this shit is as crazy as thinking about poor old Paris is black and white stripes for 45 days. A little humorous, yes, but crazy.

I don't know how long it will take for her to grade everything and then for her to send out final grades, but I'll let everyone know about my F, uh, I mean my low B. I should have become a Physicist; that's starting to look easier to me than this fucking test. This picture depicts how I feel after looking at each problem on my test!

Dunce Fatima

Let's Talk About......Us

I love watching Alex sleep. My middle child. The one who is the most, well, challenging to keep up with and raise. The reason why I had to know all the numbers to the school, the Principals' names, the guidance counselor's names, where the local police station was, etc. She's never been bad exactly - not in the classic sense of most parents' nightmares of drugs, sex, breaking the law and so forth. Alex is just Alex. She tends to challenge authority; tends to be moody; tends to question things; tends to be most like me.

So she came home last night from college to visit while hubby and toddler are away. We had dinner then watched Will Smith's "The Pursuit of Happyness." She slept with me last night for the first time in a long time. And when I watch her sleep, she's still that tiny princess we brought home one February afternoon. She's still that tiny little blond kid who was afraid of her own shadow. I was her best friend when she was little; she lived for my attention and my approval. Once, when she was about 3 or 4, she plopped down on my lap and said, "let's talk." I said, "about what?" She said, "Let's talk about.......us!" "We" were her favorite subject.

Life moved on; she's a beautiful 19 years old now. Her life is going in a completely different direction than mine did at 19 - and that's a good thing. But I love to watch her sleep because she transforms again into that tiny little girl who once adored her mommy.

Wistful Fatima

Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy!!

Mom's fine! Yay! She did suffer a small/slight heart attack according to the cardiologist, but all the tests they've run since Monday have come back fine and she's back at home now as I write this. They tested her carotid artery, did an ultrasound on her heart, gave her blood thinners and performed an angiogram. The angiogram did detect a tiny obstruction, but they were able to quickly remove it with a blood thinner, so she didn't even require a stent or anything more invasive than having to take some medicine.

I've been lecturing her (yeah, like I'm in a position to do that, right?) on her stress level. However, I humbly recognize that while I lecture her, I internally lecture myself too. Nothing, nothing at all, is worth worrying over to the point of your health - unless of course one of your children was on their deathbed or something extraordinarily unusual like that. But today - after all she's been through this week - she was fretting over the condition of her clothes because they've been balled up in a bag since she got to the hospital. I'm like, "Mom! You're doing it again! Who cares what you look like? Everyone who knows and loves you knows you've been in the hospital and just HAD A HEART ATTACK!!" Old habits are hard to break.

My goal: when she finally gets her ass out here to Maryland, we're both going to work on simplifying our lives, slowing down, being more positive, eating right, exercising, taking better care of ourselves, loving ourselves, adopting some of the philosophies I spoke of in an earlier post from the book, "The Secret," etc. If she gives me any grief over it, I'll simply force her; I'm much taller than her, louder and more obnoxious, not to mention stronger and younger.

If she insists on worrying and stressing, I'm going to give her something to stress over - it sure as hell won't be the condition of her cuticles or whether or not to make fruit salad or vegetable salad for the local church potluck. By God, if she's gonna insist on stressing, it's gonna be because her first born is going to beat the hell out of her on a daily basis until she learns to knock it the hell off. Nothing like a little compassion, eh? I consider this as falling under "honoring my mother" - I'm looking out for her health. :)

Thanks to all our friends and family who prayed and gave us all encouraging words. Thanks for letting the tears flow and the laughter flow as well. Thanks to our dear friend, Tony, who offered up his plane ticket to California in case I needed it. I don't deserve all the love and friends and family I have - but I'm glad God put you all out there for me.

Thankful Fatima

This sucks.............

Ok, I'm usually pretty upbeat and humorous in my posts - even when I'm being depressed and talking about negative things. But today I found out that my mom was taken to the ER this morning. So far we don't exactly why. First we heard it was dizziness and now we're hearing chest pains. My tendency is to think it's a case of some big-time stress related crap- at least that's all I hope and pray it is. But we all know it could be a lot worse. A lot. She also has diabetes, so that's always a concern no matter what the medical issue. The fact that me and my sister both live hours away doesn't help matters.

For those of you who pray - pray. Or chant, or say a mantra, or walk a peace trail; if you're an atheist, just send out some positive thoughts and karma. I promise you somehow it will come back your way - even if I have to threaten God and the Universe, I will. Allie and I just lost our dad not too long ago, it's too soon to have anything at all happen to our mom. And that's all there is to that. Plain and simple.

Nervous Fatima