Life as I Know It Ends This Thursday, 1/15/08

Well, I'll have to up my meds AGAIN. This Thursday, Gil Grissom (William Petersen) leaves the original CSI. What, oh what, on earth will I do without him. It's like losing an appendage. A step-husband, a brother, a best friend. Yes, I'm 45 and I do realize he's only an actor playing a part on a TV series, BUT STILL!

Ode to you Gil for many wonderful episodes.

Perhaps now I can get around to cleaning my house, raising my kids, reading, having hobbies again, who knows?

All I know is I haven't even seen the last episode and my eyes are already misting over! I even posted this in black font because that's my mood. Where's my therapist when I need her? Perhaps I'll have her over tomorrow night and she can hold my hand while I watch his last episode. Wonder how much her house calls are...........(??)

Fatima-Misses-Gil

For Sam, Steph, Alex, Riley, Jenny, Dad and Mom

I've made some accomplishments in my life, but mainly I see failures. Failures in my relationships. Failures in ways that I should I have told you and shown you that I loved you but just couldn't for some odd reason; some wall built up. I apologize.

Hate Me

I have to block out thoughts of you, so I don't lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape, to remind me that I'm alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you, will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me, just to put it in my face?
And will you never try to reach me, it is I who wanted space

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you
Hate me in ways, yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you

I'm sober now for 3 whole months, it's one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won't touch again
In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was too busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I'll drive so f*cking far away that I'll never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you
Hate me in ways, yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you

And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
'Till I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hands
And then I fell down yelling, "Make it go away," just make a smile
Come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered, "How can you do this to me?"

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you
Hate me in ways, yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see whats good for you.

by Blue October

R.E.M and Questions for God

In my many questionings and arguments with God, I've often said I'll take the other side if this is all you have to offer. I've always loved R.E.M.; have about a thousand of their CDs. This reminds me of what I say to "Him" when I have nothing else to say. Sometimes I just tell him if this is the best you have to offer, I'll take the rain.

"I'll Take The Rain"

The rain came down

The rain came down

The rain came down on me.

The wind blew strong

The summer song

Fades to memory

I knew you whenI loved you then

The summer's young and helpless.

You laid me bareYou marked me there

The promises we made.

I used to think

As birds take wing

They sing through life so why can't we?

You cling to this

You claim the best

If this is what you're offering

I'll take the rain

I'll take the rain

I'll take the rain.

The nighttime creases

Summer schemes And stretches out to stay.

The sun shines down

You came around

You love easy days.

But now the sun,

The winter's come.

I wanted just to say

That if I hold I'd hope you'd fold

Open up inside, inside of me.

I used to think As birds take wing

They sing through life so why can't we?

You cling to this

You claim the best

If this is what you're offering

I'll take the rain

I'll take the rain

I'll take the rain.

This winter song

I'll sing alongI've searched its still refrain

I'll walk aloneI've given this, take wing

Celebrate the rain.I used to think

As birds take wing

They sing through life so why can't we?

You cling to thisYou claim the best

If this is what you're offering

I'll take the rainI'll take the rain

I'll take the rain.

To Dad

Cuz I never grieved much over your death because of our complicated relationship. However, I'm learning it wasn't truly that terribly complicated. It was fairly typical. Love you Daddy; you'll be the first one I hug when I get there.

Would you know my name If I saw you in heaven

Will it be the same If I saw you in heaven

I must be strong, and carry on

Cause I know I don't belong Here in heaven

Would you hold my hand If I saw you in heaven

Would you help me stand If I saw you in heaven

I'll find my way, through night and day

Cause I know I just can't stay Here in heaven

Time can bring you down Time can bend your knee

Time can break your heart

Have you begging please Begging please (instrumental)

Beyond the door There's peace I'm sure.

And I know there'll be no more... Tears in heaven

Would you know my name If I saw you in heaven

Will it be the same If I saw you in heaven

I must be strong, and carry on Cause I know I don't belong Here in heaven

Cause I know I don't belong Here in heaven

Loved you dearly; always wanted your approval; didn't always get it, but then others don't always get mine. I am my father's daughter.

Love, Jan

Okay, I'm REALLY back this time!

I admit it, I lied to all of you a few months ago, when I said I was back. My mom bought me a journal which I've been using but blogging is so much easier, quicker and I can insert stupid pictures!! Yay!

Since we last talked. I'm still about the same weight (boo!) but I've been struggling with issues of depression, anxiety and bi-polar diagnosis. Bi-polar? Hell, I thought it was normal to scream obscenities at my husband, beg forgiveness, and make love. Doesn't everyone do that? Apparently not according to my therapist. But, what does she know? I'm on meds for depression, anxiety and bi-polar, but I'm NOT a zombie yet, so until I become one, I will continue to write.

Lately, I've thought lots and lots about how short this life is, death, disease, what's important, justice, and the lack of it, why do bad things happen to good people, and why do good things happen to bad people like me. Although my therapist, we'll call her Barbara because that's her real name, and I'm not into fake shit anymore, anyway, she tells me I'm not a bad person. I just have a disorder, the way that folks with diabetes have sugar problems. However, we all know the world doesn't view it that way. Why do bad things happen to little children? I will NEVER understand that. I've argued with God over that a million times, and the only answer I ever get is that child molesters "are redeemed too." Perhaps true, but not good enough for me. I want to torture them the way they torture the innocent.

I'm currently listening to "Follow You, Follow Me" by Genesis, one of my favorite songs by the way. It was "our" song. Me and Wendy. One of my best friends in high school. Me and my dad used to go to Dodgers games every Sunday, but one Friday night he had tickets, so we went. She came over to my house, I wasn't there, she went to a party alone, and was found 2 weeks later raped and murdered. She was a wonderfully beautiful person. I wasn't. I'm still not. Why did that happen to her and not me? Why did she suffer? Is she in a better place now? Does she forgive me for not being home? Had I been home would I have died too, or could I have saved her? The only way her father could identify the body was by her jewelry; that's how badly "he" beat her. What causes that kind of rage? My therapist tells me I have a "Savior Complex." So be it. I'd rather suffer that, than ignoring suffering. Something I'm supposed to be working on. Was I supposed to live to do something stupendous in life, give birth to the next Einstein, was it fate, luck, bad luck, karma, or just the shitty way things happen sometimes?

However, since we've last talked, I've learned I dont' give a shit anymore about my weight. Now, my health, spiritual, mental, and physical is a different matter. I'd rather be fat and happy, than skinny and miserable. But I found myself fat and miserable which equals bad combination. Need to work on my mind and my thoughts before I can work on my body.

I've withdrawn from friends, co-workers, my family, etc., over depression due to things that I cannot change. There is evil in the world. Whether you believe in God, Satan, etc., it doesn't matter, there is evil in the world. Watch the news. How does a mother kill her only child (Caylee Anthony)? How do people kill the very ones they gave birth to? Beats me. I've wanted to slap the shit out of my three, but even I, EVEN I, abstained. And if I'm crazy, and cannot hurt another human being, how do others find it in them to do it?

Okay, enough of all of that. I'm drinking wine so I'm getting morose. Now I'm listening to Dave Matthews, Say Goodbye, that's me and Sam's song. Peaceful, tranquil, lovely. There is goodness and love and peace in the world too. It's just finding it and holding on to it for a moment or two to remember it for those times you want to make the noose and end it all.

I think one of the reasons I love living on the East Coast versus the West Coast where I was raised is the seasons. They remind me there is a time for everything. Time to shut down, time to cry, time to laugh, time to nap, time to cuddle, time to make love, time to remember, time to mourn, etc.

I was expressing all of this the best way I could to my mother a few weeks before Christmas. I used to have a low opinion of my mother. No longer. Anyway, she said, "People think we're supposed to be happy all the time. Suffering is actually the human condition." Then, after she told me that, I read it like about 4 more times in different writings, Jewish, Buddhist, Christian, etc. We all do suffer; it's universal. It's not my problem alone. It belongs to all of us. We all share it.