I'm Thinking of Becoming a Vegetarian....

.....only for about a 6-9 month period to see how I like it, handle it, etc. Plus, it will annoy my mother and piss off my husband and kids. See how everything always works out? I will be ambitious and start this weekend prior to July 4. I can always eat pasta salad, right?. My husband calls "them" Vaginatarians and thinks his cute little nick-name is a hoot. Okay, it was humorous the first time, about 5 years ago - but let it go.

My mother will totally freak because she doesn't read food labels and cannot figure out what she's to eat for her diabetes, cholesterol, heart, etc. Announcing I'm now a vegetarian should be comical.

Eggplant-eating-Fatima!

British Invasion

It's not bad enough that every television show and magazine article is full of her pictures. You know the ones: they're always "I'm bored, pouting, but I'll likely kick your ass if you don't take my picture" - anyway, now the former Posh Spice has her own blog. Not that I've ever done a damn thing to "deserve" my own blog - hell this is America. If a dog had opposable thumbs, I suppose he or she could have their own as well. But do take 30 seconds (believe me, that's all you'll need) and go to it. It's more of a "look at me fest" than a blog. In fact I can't really remember if I saw any full sentences at all.............. There were no pictures of her husband or her sons, but there was one of her holding the proverbial superstar miniature dog. Here's one of the 28 pictures of her I counted looking perpetually pissed off and bored.

http://www.dvbstyle.com/news/index.html

Fatima-needs-an-Ale

Fatima Diverges in a Wood

Fatima is no longer wondering about, looking for, or seeking advice about good food, good recipes, how to exercise. I mean, really, I've kind of known a lot about that for a long time. It's motivation I need and the will and desire to do it. So I will still keep this website just because it's fun for me to write down stuff and find funny pictures (kind of like journaling) - but I guess I'll change my "mission statement." I guess I feel like the smoker who knows what he/she does is bad for them, but continues. Guess we all feel we're gonna live forever, eh? Anyway, I'm sure weight, gyms, food, etc., will still show up - but lately it just hasn't been my huge focus. I think I'm becoming much more "health" conscious than "weight" conscious. That's a good thing I suppose.

(Speaking of food - it smells as though someone is cooking a dead goat in our office microwave. WTF? At least kill your animals before you eat them. I think they seasoned "it" with stagnant water and dirty socks. OY!!!)



BTW - If you'd like to leave comments, just come up with nickname (you can let me know later in an email or phone call what it is so I know who's leaving me the comment; you can also just do anonymous). Your comments will show up - NOT your email - only your comments. Then hit "Publish" and it will show up.





Fatima

Another Funny....

I'd never wipe again...EVER!

Some People are Just Never Happy

....like me. You may, or may not, remember past posts when I expressed that I was bored with life. So, what do I do? I make my life so freaking busy that the drug companies who make anti-anxiety meds can't keep up with my need for them. And I don't always do so good with controlled substances. My tendency is to believe that if 1 is good, then 4 will be better. I've really been a lot better about that though.

Balance. How and when am I ever going to learn? Too little and I'm bored and listless, feeling as though I'm contributing nothing to life; learning nothing; feeling blah and lazy and depressed. Too much, and I feel that overwhelming need to be perfect, get everything done, be super-mom, super work person, etc.

Can't be done. Now, I long for lazy nights, in my Hello Kitty jammy pants, in front of the TV, cuddling my toddler instead of being in these stupid classes I'm in. Too much reading, too much writing, just too, too much. I think I've discovered or uncovered a nasty truth about myself: I want to be lazy, but I don't want to feel lazy or have others think I'm lazy. But truly, I want to do nothing. My heart now belongs to a 4 year old, not to academia.

Fatima-loves-Beana

Four!!!!

No, I don't mean what you shout out on the golf course when you're about to bean someone in the head with a golfball. My toddler turned 4 this week. 4!! Un-freaking-believable. That means I'll be 44 in another week or two - which is also unbelievable because I still feel about 22 (and many of my smart-ass friends and relatives would say I still act 22).

She was given many dinosaurs, a skateboard (!) by her older sister who will be accompanying me to the ER when the need arises, Barbie stuff, Dora stuff, horse stuff, puppy stuff, clothes, the usual. She was thrilled with all of it.

My favorite present was the EZ Bake Oven I bought her. I had one when I was little. I don't believe my other two daughters had one, so this brought back many memories. Like the time me and my dad made pretzels. He tasted one and immediately pronounced, "Well. That tasted like shit." I'm still not crazy about pretzels to this day....

Anyway, last night Riley wanted to make chocolate chip cookies in her new EZ Bake Oven. Easy enough, eh? Oh. No. Recipe was simple enough. Put the tiny bag of mix in a bowl and add 3/4 teaspoon water. What does her mother do? I put in 3 teaspoons of water (I was VERY tired) and then wondered why this shit was so watery.... So instead of baking cookies for about 8 minutes, she had a chocolate chip cake that took about 20 minutes to bake. AND, as if that wasn't bad enough, I tried to get the damn thing out of the oven with the spatula they provide (which, by the way, looks exactly like a pooper-scooper for a cat litter box - see picture) and the thing went flying across the room and hit the wall - landing beautifully on the counter upside down. My mother was laughing so hard, I swear her false teeth were on the verge of falling out of her mouth.

You see my sister and her husband are like gourmet cooks. They own every known kitchen gadget known to mankind, make their own flour, pasta, cook wonderful sounding things, etc., and here her financial analyst sister can't tell 3/4 of a teaspoon from 3 teaspoons and then can't even operate a freaking EZ Bake oven. Good night, Irene!

Good news: I'm still my 4 year old's hero. She ate her chocolate chip "cake" and said it was yummy! We had yet another party for her at the park today, with more junk food and sugar. I feel like a walking zit.

Fatima-the-four-year-old's-hero!!!

Help.......

That's all. I just need help.

Today, I feel like a sad, sad, sad little girl.

I need:

Help with homework

Help with housework

Help with husband

Help dealing with my kids

Help with anger & frustration

Help with my yard

Help with my mom

Help with nutrition

Help with rejuvination

Fatima in need of help and a smile and maybe even a hug

Sometimes......

Dysfunction, dissatisfaction, unhappiness, bad relationships with kids and significant others, failure, restlessness, weariness, bad self image, etc., can just make you want to check out permanently. There are days it's hardly worth the effort because the effort is never appreciated or even noticed. Sometimes no matter what you do, or what you don't do, no one is ever happy, not even you. People always so quick to point out fault and all things bad. But very slow to ever say anything positive, loving or gracious. I knew that in my childhood, and now I find it has reared its ugly head again in my family. I wonder why that is. And I wonder what or who it is that brings us back around to deciding to giving life another chance.....

Fatima Ponders........

You Can Tell I'm Bored......

......when I start posting this crap. I finished two major projects today and just can't bear the thought of starting another one (oh, and I'm off tomorrow anyway for toddler's 4th birthday; hee). So here are the awards for: What the hell were they thinking??





goose or bride....or both?

Pink, Marilyn Manson or Hannibal Lector?

and not to be outdone:

Banana Woman!

Fatima-the-obviously-out-of-touch-with-fashion

New Desk!!!

My sister's an attorney and her birthday is coming up - her office threw her a party and bought her this lovely new chair. It cuts down on potty breaks thereby better utilizing time management - an important factor in law, research, etc.

I don't know about you - but I'm impressed as hell!

Bored Fatima

ARNIE'S DA MAN!!!!

I don't know too many famous people - well, ok I don't know any - but my bro-in-law is up for like 4 (count 'em bitches, FOUR) Emmy's this weekend for a documentary he did.

Way to go - you are the bomb and inspiration to all humankind.

Have big fun - and be sure to thank me in your acceptance speech(es). Because as I've reminded folks many times...............IT'S ALL ABOUT ME.

You go!

Love, Fatima

School, Family & Violence

So here I find myself once again taking graduate level courses and the emphasis is on the "es" in courses as in more than one.

For Christmas, I'm buying all my family members baseball bats so that when I bring up the subject of school, they can commence the new holiday traditional family beatings upon me.

Let's see:

• elderly mother (just had heart attack and has anxiety over whether the mail comes at 2:00 or 2:01)


• cat (eeww - mentioned that earlier)


• Three year old who's 4th birthday is THIS WEDNESDAY! Have I planned a party, sent out invitations, ordered a cake? Oh, hell no. I think it will be at the park. Hopefully it will rain, we can just all come home, open presents, eat cake and take a nap.


• A 19 year old going on 40 with the mouth of Maude for those of you who can remember that show.


• A 24 year old who's husband just got stationed (AGAIN) in Afghanistan and she's under some anxiety issues as well this time. She'll be here in August. Apparently she'll be sleeping in the dryer as we've run out of bedding.


• Oh, a full time job. They have the audacity to think that me showing up isn't good enough. They actually expect me to WORK when I get there. Bastards.


• A husband who H-A-T-E-S his new job - and we get to hear about it.............often. God love him.

Ok, thanks for letting me vent. Oh, and how did I deal with this stress? By eating a Tollhouse Ice Cream Sandwich - which I think is 3 weeks' worth of Weight Watchers points. They invented a fucking birth control pill..............where's the pill that makes you slim after a few months? I just don't get it.

That which does not kill us only makes us stronger..............and crazier. This too shall pass.

Venting Fatima (much like Waltzing Matilda)

Feline Frustration

Ok, I really will eventually get off this kick about my mother and her cat (!) who just recently moved in, but I have to vent. First off, I love animals - even cats - I'm just not a "cat person." Meaning that I'm more of a "dog person." They do what you tell them, they love and lick you; follow commands, ride with you in your car, you can walk them, etc.

This cat's food smells like tuna (bad tuna); and I won't even get into what the turdballs smell like.

My mother cannot/will not get over the fact that some of the senior housing she's looked at so far has deposits (either yearly or monthly) for pets. Well, yes, mom - pets scratch things, make stains on carpet, make noises, etc.

And we can't let our dog in while the cat is living with us, cuz she's a little, uh, aggressive. Not with people - but so far she's killed a mouse and a bird - so God only knows what she'd do to this poor cat!

Fatima-the-temporary- cat-owner

P.S. The picture of the cat is what I think my mom's cat would look like if saw our dog!

Barenaked Ladies

Now, don't get all excited people. I'm talking about the rock/pop group, not actual barenaked ladies. I heard them this morning singing "If I had a Million Dollars," and thought of my girl, Heidi. Glad to hear things are working out for you, girl, both personally and professionally. I miss ya. Puh-leeze consider coming back to the Corps - we have ALL kinds of vacancies.

We need to plan a get-together, but every person in my family's birthday is in June! (Can you even believe Riley is going to 4 next week? Oy!) So, I'm kinda booked up. Maybe we could each take half day off work and get blitzed (ok, just tipsy...) over at the Wharf Rat.

Fatima

THE LATEST DIET!!!

I stopped at the famous fast food joint, "BK." you all can figure that one out for yourselves and ordered a jumbo Turbo Coffee. Tried like hell to take tiny sips and did manage about 2 or 3 without incident. But then I forgot how scalding this crap is (and it's really not crap, it's quite good) and took a huge gulp.

After much painful shrieking noises and then cuss words, I decided that rather than sue "BK," I will just do this several times per day and won't be able to eat anything thereafter.

Good idea?

Third-degree-burned Fatima

Goth Jeopardy/For Cow Cuz It's Funny

by www.NatalieDee.com

Another Trip Survived

And I wish by "trip" that I meant an LSD one - but alas, no. I mean trip as in "road trip." Now, normally I'm up for a good road trip. But this one was with my anxiety-ridden mother and her cat who wouldn't quit shedding. I'm still picking cat hairs out of my back teeth.

I had to hear all about her medicines; when, where and how she takes them and what for, why, etc. I had to hear what her blood count was every time she took it, as well as her blood pressure. To read this, you'd think she was near death, but no. She's healthy as a horse for the most part. I hate to think what all medication she'll be one when she's truly unhealthy one day.

I had to hear about every one of her friends, neighbors, churchgoers (both past and present); their faults as well as their good points (but mostly their faults) to the point where I'm sure I wasn't a safe driver because my eyes just glazed over and I was daydreaming about beaches, pina coladas and handsome movie stars.

But the worst (other than that freaking cat!) was waiting for her to get ready each and every morning. No organization whatsoever. Or, she'll attempt to be organized, but then forget where she put everything that she so-called organized the night before. I'm wanting to get on the road each morning no later than about 7:00 a.m. - but nooooooo. we're still looking for her book, her glasses, the cat's water dish, her hair clips and "Oh, do you think we have enough bottled water for the trip?" questions. Right. Like they don't sell bottled water at EVERY gas station and convenience store from California to Maryland. As a joke I was going to bring her a 40 ounce beer and announce that they didn't sell bottled water - but I managed to refrain. Only because I would have had to drink said beer and probably would have been pulled. My luck.

Anyway, enough of the pity party of my trip from hell. I'm back to my home, my babies, my Baltimore, my job, the Internet, familiarity. And more importantly, I have plenty of Xanax and wine for when my mother anxiously worries over something.....uh.....which is about every 2 to 3 minutes. Seriously. You just don't know her. But I'm serious.