Michael Stipe's a Genius

For those of you who know who he is, disregard. For those of you who don't know who he happens to be, he's the lead singer and writes just about all of the R.E.M. songs in collaboration with his two other band members.

Now, I don't know why I'm drawn more so to male poets than I am to women poets, but I am. There, it's out there; I said it. I suppose it has to do with that old gender notion that women are supposed to be loving, nurturing, poetic, gentle, etc. And that men should be strong, burly, spit, and consider any type of poetry to be girlie and to be avoided at all costs so as not to be considered "one of them."

So when I read beautiful, heart-wrenching lyrics written by men, their lyrics take on a little more meaning to me. My sincere apologies to Aimee Mann, Sara McLaughlin, Tori Amos, Natalie Merchant, Gretchen Wilson, Stevie Nicks, Sheryl Crow, the Indigo Girls, Alicia Keys, etc., because I love you all too! It's just that I sort of expect women to speak from and through their soul; we're more used to it and it's one of the few things in our society that "us women folk" are "allowed" to do.

In my pondering today on my way to work as to why I cling to food for solace, or comfort, or whatever - I happened to be listening to REMs song, "I'll Take the Rain." No matter what we cling to, whether it be self destruction in some sort or fashion, cutting ourselves (there's one I haven't tried yet!), alcohol, smoking, drugs, overeating, etc. - these things all seem to be our friends at first and therefore we cling to them.

When we make changes, it upsets us, pisses us off, upsets our entire equilibrium, we feel jittery and annoyed at everything and everyone. But eventually we get over that, and then our lives come back to us one hundred fold better than they were. So, as I was thinking of these lyrics and how they could apply to my eating (either over-eating or just eating not-so-healthy foods) REM's lyrics helped me realize that what I'd been clinging to simply wasn't any good, and that if and when I let go, I'll go through the dark tunnel described above, and I'll pe pissier than usual for a few days while my body detoxes, but I'd still rather take the rain:

I used to think, as birds take wind,

they sing through life, so why can't we?

We cling to this and claim the best

If this is what you're offering

I'll take the rain, I'll take the rain.

Sunday Blahs

My mother used to always say that it would be much easier to lose weight if we just didn't have to eat three times a day. To which I would either outwardly or inwardly roll my eyes depending on my mood du jour. I roll my eyes because I still hear her make this comment to this day, and because it's just too simplistic.

I'm beginning to rethink my eye-rolling. In attempting to eat only when I'm hungry, eat healthy foods, make good choices and not obsess over food, it becomes a little difficult when faced with the task of eating, cooking, shopping for food, chopping, dicing, etc., ALL. THE. DAMN. TIME. To put it another way: how would one give up smoking cigarettes, if one was constantly faced with the task of messing with filters, ashtrays, picking out tobacco, papers, assembling cigarettes - only to then not get to smoke them?!?!? I give out props right now to recovering alcoholics employed as bartenders. WTF?? Get out now! Go fry up some food at Denny's or sell trendy shirts at the Gap, but for the love of God - get away from the very thing that you're obsessed with.

It's dull and gray outside, and I just feel dull and gray inside. And furthermore, I'm just a little pissed off that perhaps my mother may have been on to something all along.......

Like Fatima, Like Mother

I WILL be normal - even if it kills me.....

I think I'm trying Ms. Cho's concept today (see yesterday's post). And I may even try it tomorrow and the day after that - just to see how it goes in my head. I'm interested to see just what I'll do, what I'll eat.

I want so badly not to care; not to obsess over my choices or lack thereof. I want to just go to the fridge and pick up something to eat like normal people do; whether it's an apple, a chunk of cheese, or a piece of last night's pizza.

I don't want to live in front of the fridge anymore - or the pantry - or stare at the cookie aisle at Safeway like it's a shrine to some Eastern Goddess. I don't want to try this to lose weight (in MC's blog, in fact, she said she initially gained weight). I want to do this so I can begin to mentally and emotionally let go of it all. Step away from the brownie, Fatima, step away. Or - what the hell? Step right in and have two brownies if that's what you want to do. My point is that while I want to live with food thoughtfully - I no long want to obsess over it. It's never done anything worthy of being obsessed over.

The days of obsession are going to be over - not immediately - but they are on their way out. My life has no room for them any longer.

Peace. Fatima

Skinny Bitches

I hate skinny bitches. Never have liked them. Never. And I'm not talking about the ones who really eat right and exercise and lift weights in order to have their disgustingly in-shape, hard bodies. Those women must be admired and commended. Hard work should always have value. I still don't like them, but I admire the time and effort they put into their health.

I'm talking about the skinny bitches who eat junkfood constantly and only exercise when they're walking from their front door to their car, and still only weigh 110 pounds and wear a size 1 or 3.

And the things they say send me righ through the fucking roof:

• I forgot to eat lunch.........(WTF? I never forget to eat. Ever)
• Oh, I eat a LOT. I just don't seem to ever gain any weight. Giggle. Giggle. (No, you don't. You throw it all up later, you skinny bitch. What? Do we all look stupid to you?)
• I was so busy, I didn't have time to eat (There's ALWAYS time to eat. Reschedule that meeting with your attorney or your tax advisor, but for God's sake, at least get to a drive-thru and eat and then go to your meeting with ketchup on your blouse.)
• Oh, I just stay so busy all the time. I guess that's why I don't ever gain weight (I usually go into a homicidal rage here and must walk away. Right..........like the rest of the world just sits at home in a closet all day. Like we don't have jobs and kids and shopping and soccer and ballet and yoga and meetings and walking the dog and errands and house cleaning and business trips - only YOU do, and therefore that deems you so busy as to weigh only 100 pounds!)
• No cake for me; I'm trying to lose that last 5 pounds. (What last 5 pounds? You only weigh 105 pounds - what part of your body are you trying to lose? Your eyeballs? Then you'll be happy?)

Stupid, stupid, stupid, unappreciative bitches.

Well, at least I'm not bitter!

Peace!

Fatima