Sunday Blahs

My mother used to always say that it would be much easier to lose weight if we just didn't have to eat three times a day. To which I would either outwardly or inwardly roll my eyes depending on my mood du jour. I roll my eyes because I still hear her make this comment to this day, and because it's just too simplistic.

I'm beginning to rethink my eye-rolling. In attempting to eat only when I'm hungry, eat healthy foods, make good choices and not obsess over food, it becomes a little difficult when faced with the task of eating, cooking, shopping for food, chopping, dicing, etc., ALL. THE. DAMN. TIME. To put it another way: how would one give up smoking cigarettes, if one was constantly faced with the task of messing with filters, ashtrays, picking out tobacco, papers, assembling cigarettes - only to then not get to smoke them?!?!? I give out props right now to recovering alcoholics employed as bartenders. WTF?? Get out now! Go fry up some food at Denny's or sell trendy shirts at the Gap, but for the love of God - get away from the very thing that you're obsessed with.

It's dull and gray outside, and I just feel dull and gray inside. And furthermore, I'm just a little pissed off that perhaps my mother may have been on to something all along.......

Like Fatima, Like Mother

Bad Way to Start the New Year!!!

I didn't win the damn lottery!!! Not that I really expected to win anything, but still. I was so hoping to check my numbers this morning and at least win one of the measly $500 prizes. But, no. I guess I'll always have to earn my money the hard way - work. Sucks.

Then, I talked to my oldest daughter who lives in Italy - and now I'm even more depressed. I'm happy for her and my son-in-law, but sad for us cuz we miss them.

On the flip side, I'm taking our little one to see Charlotte's Web today, so that will involve fun and popcorn and spilled soda and "Mommy! I have to pee!" episodes, so I'm sure that will prove entertaining as always.

I have been trying exceptionally hard NOT to obsess or even think about food, or my choices for right now - that can come later. I've got to get my mind off food (good food vs. bad food) as if food holds some sort of evil or good character to it. At any rate, once I stop obsessing over it and find other "interests," then I feel I can begin to really evaluate and make some good choices for my health's sake, not my weight's sake.

Okay, dudes, I'm out for right now. Gotta go make breakfast, do dishes, etc.; all that boring crap that comes with waking up in the morning!

Peace!

Fatima-still-poor!!!

I WILL be normal - even if it kills me.....

I think I'm trying Ms. Cho's concept today (see yesterday's post). And I may even try it tomorrow and the day after that - just to see how it goes in my head. I'm interested to see just what I'll do, what I'll eat.

I want so badly not to care; not to obsess over my choices or lack thereof. I want to just go to the fridge and pick up something to eat like normal people do; whether it's an apple, a chunk of cheese, or a piece of last night's pizza.

I don't want to live in front of the fridge anymore - or the pantry - or stare at the cookie aisle at Safeway like it's a shrine to some Eastern Goddess. I don't want to try this to lose weight (in MC's blog, in fact, she said she initially gained weight). I want to do this so I can begin to mentally and emotionally let go of it all. Step away from the brownie, Fatima, step away. Or - what the hell? Step right in and have two brownies if that's what you want to do. My point is that while I want to live with food thoughtfully - I no long want to obsess over it. It's never done anything worthy of being obsessed over.

The days of obsession are going to be over - not immediately - but they are on their way out. My life has no room for them any longer.

Peace. Fatima

Margaret Cho is my Hero

Her blog is hilarious, well okay not all the belly dancing shit - I can live without that. But it is probably really good exercise.

You should all read: http://www.margaretcho.com/blog/fuckitdiet.htm

This may be one of the funniest, truest and deepest posts I've read in ages. Many years ago I had a friend tell me that her therapist told her that when she found herself obsessing over something/someone, just run with it. Obsess over it/him/her until you simply can't anymore. You end up sick of them; you are tired of thinking about them, tired of stalking them, tired of planning things with/for them - in fact you are just truly ill when you think about them. I would imagine that the obsession itself is simply exhausting - not to mention that the object of our obsessions is never worth it in the first place.

This is what the "Fuck It" Diet is all about. I'm willing to give it a try.

Peace! And thanks Margaret!

Fatima

Waiting to Die

That pretty much describes my childhood and my early adulthood (until around 33 or so). I seriously thought that I was going to die - soon - of something. And if nothing reared its ugly head at the mammography place or the pap place or the X-ray place, then I figured I just had something that the doctors couldn't detect yet - BUT IT WAS COMING! Surely, I was not meant for a lengthy stay before it was my turn to shuffle off this mortal coil. Most people call this being a hypochondriac. I called it normal. My husband called it fucking crazy. They're all just adjectives to me.....so who cares?

At any rate - after MUCH therapy, I realized that when I was a kid I was often under a lot of anxiety and stress and didn't know how to deal with it. Let's face it, how many 6 year olds do we see walking around with a gin & tonic and a cigarette to help them with their stress? None. Kids don't handle stress all that well; they internalize it. Us adults know all too well how to medicate our stress away. I digress. Getting back to me (!) as a kid, I just figured I was going to die and that was how I handled my stress. I must have done something bad and that was why my life sucked, therefore I'd be gone soon - somebody "up there" must hate me. So I overdid a lot of things in hopes of "getting it all in" before the end of the earth struck. Or if not the end of the earth, then perhaps a limb of a tree striking just me, or a rabid dog bite, or a roller coaster flying off its tracks.

Now mind you - I have a family history of bad habits, disorders of alcohol, drugs, food, etc., so it shouldn't be any surprise that I too fell victim to many of these. But my epiphany the other day - on I-95 somewhere between Maryland and South Carolina - was that perhaps I overeat "just in case" it's the last time I can have pecan pie, or Honeybaked Ham, or Aunt Ethel's famous pie or dip or whatever. What if this upcoming office party is my last? What if this wedding next month is the last one I'll go to? What if this is the last cruise I go on? Well, then damn! I better just set up a cot at the buffet if that's gonna be the case!!

So, apparently I've still got just a "tad" of that doom & gloom in me that I had as a kid/early adult (about my early demise) - that I've got to simply let go of. Because if this is indeed the last Snickers I eat, and I get run over by one of the local commuter buses out of Baltimore this afternoon - so the hell what? Something tells me that as I drift out of consciousness and begin to see the white light (hopefully!) - that freaking extra portion of mashed potatoes or hot fudge sundae isn't going to have quite the same appeal or interest it did last week.

What say you?

Fatima

Holidaze

We leave tomorrow for the South with its many deep fried wonderfulness and rich foods made with much sugar and butter - YUMMMM. So, I'll be gone from here for a little while.

My oath to myself is that I will snack on fresh fruit in between meals, drink lots of water - but that I will allow myself the pleasure of enjoying the large family meals with glee and love. Oh, and one dessert, not my usual sampling of all 40. Oh, and a few drinks.

I might even try to work in a few long walks............I'll let you know how I did when I return.

Merry Christmas!

Fatima