Thou Shalt Not Lie

I'm going to lie today. I've already planned it. I wonder if that's that called premeditated lying. Anyway, I have no intention of going to church today, and while that - in and of itself - is no big deal, I plan to lie about it rather than deal with the real reason I don't want to go. The real reason I don't want to go is that I no longer fit into anything that's even semi-attractive. I have about 5 or 6 good outfits now at my new size (15/16) and I've more than exhausted their use. Additionally, it's the beginning of winter now and I should be wearing pants. Oh...but no. I no longer fit into any pants, so it's going to be a breezy miserable winter wearing my 5 or 6 skirts that still fit (and they still fit only because they have elastic waist bands).

So, getting back to my lie. My lie for today will be that my tooth hurts. That isn't exactly a complete and total lie, because it's semi-true. I had the "root canal from hell" last Tuesday, and I'm already on my second round of anti-biotics and painkillers. But would said pain keep me from a great sale at Macy's? Hell no. But, you see, no one at Macy's knows me, and knows that only 2 years ago, I was a size 10/12, and have ballooned up to a size 15/16. They can't say to themselves, "Gee, poor girl, she really let herself go. Wonder what happened..."

I hate having to see people I know (and love) at my new size. I'm okay around strangers, but it's hell going to work every day, or seeing neighbors, family, etc., knowing what they're thinking. And I can tell you that I know what they're thinking because I've thought it about other people when they've gained weight, lost their hair, got a boob job - you name it. Whenever something changes about our bodily appearance, others are bound to notice unless we work at the National Institute for the Blind.

Today, the only positive thing I can think of right now that I 'll be doing is drinking some SlimFast shakes and wrapping some Christmas presents. I'll be doing this in my cute "one size fits all" pajama pants. I wore them yesterday too, and to bed last night. Now that I see this in print, perhaps I'll get another pair of pajama pants out. The "Hello Kitty" ones I bought at the onset of my weight gain are perky!

How has it come to this? Lying to my family while wearing pink Hello Kitty pajamas. I feel like I'm 6 years old again. More importantly though, why do I think no one wants to see me when I'm big. Or, is it really that I don't want to see me when I'm big? That's probably more accurate.

Peace. Fatima-in-Pink