Fatima Ponders

Life as I Know It Ends This Thursday, 1/15/08

2009-01-14T19:34:00.001-05:00

Well, I'll have to up my meds AGAIN. This Thursday, Gil Grissom (William Petersen) leaves the original CSI. What, oh what, on earth will I do without him. It's like losing an appendage. A step-husband, a brother, a best friend. Yes, I'm 45 and I do realize he's only an actor playing a part on a TV series, BUT STILL!

Ode to you Gil for many wonderful episodes.

Perhaps now I can get around to cleaning my house, raising my kids, reading, having hobbies again, who knows?

All I know is I haven't even seen the last episode and my eyes are already misting over! I even posted this in black font because that's my mood. Where's my therapist when I need her? Perhaps I'll have her over tomorrow night and she can hold my hand while I watch his last episode. Wonder how much her house calls are...........(??)

Fatima-Misses-Gil

For Sam, Steph, Alex, Riley, Jenny, Dad and Mom

2009-01-09T22:29:00.003-05:00

I've made some accomplishments in my life, but mainly I see failures. Failures in my relationships. Failures in ways that I should I have told you and shown you that I loved you but just couldn't for some odd reason; some wall built up. I apologize.

Hate Me

I have to block out thoughts of you, so I don't lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape, to remind me that I'm alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you, will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me, just to put it in my face?
And will you never try to reach me, it is I who wanted space

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you
Hate me in ways, yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you

I'm sober now for 3 whole months, it's one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won't touch again
In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was too busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I'll drive so f*cking far away that I'll never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you
Hate me in ways, yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you

And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
'Till I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hands
And then I fell down yelling, "Make it go away," just make a smile
Come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered, "How can you do this to me?"

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you
Hate me in ways, yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see whats good for you.

by Blue October

R.E.M and Questions for God

2009-01-09T22:07:00.003-05:00

In my many questionings and arguments with God, I've often said I'll take the other side if this is all you have to offer. I've always loved R.E.M.; have about a thousand of their CDs. This reminds me of what I say to "Him" when I have nothing else to say. Sometimes I just tell him if this is the best you have to offer, I'll take the rain.

"I'll Take The Rain"

The rain came down

The rain came down on me.

The wind blew strong

The summer song

Fades to memory

I knew you whenI loved you then

The summer's young and helpless.

You laid me bareYou marked me there

The promises we made.

I used to think

As birds take wing

They sing through life so why can't we?

You cling to this

You claim the best

If this is what you're offering

I'll take the rain

I'll take the rain.

The nighttime creases

Summer schemes And stretches out to stay.

The sun shines down

You came around

You love easy days.

But now the sun,

The winter's come.

I wanted just to say

That if I hold I'd hope you'd fold

Open up inside, inside of me.

I used to think As birds take wing

They sing through life so why can't we?

You cling to this

You claim the best

If this is what you're offering

I'll take the rain

I'll take the rain.

This winter song

I'll sing alongI've searched its still refrain

I'll walk aloneI've given this, take wing

Celebrate the rain.I used to think

As birds take wing

They sing through life so why can't we?

You cling to thisYou claim the best

If this is what you're offering

I'll take the rainI'll take the rain

I'll take the rain.

To Dad

2009-01-09T21:52:00.002-05:00

Cuz I never grieved much over your death because of our complicated relationship. However, I'm learning it wasn't truly that terribly complicated. It was fairly typical. Love you Daddy; you'll be the first one I hug when I get there.

Would you know my name If I saw you in heaven

Will it be the same If I saw you in heaven

I must be strong, and carry on

Cause I know I don't belong Here in heaven

Would you hold my hand If I saw you in heaven

Would you help me stand If I saw you in heaven

I'll find my way, through night and day

Cause I know I just can't stay Here in heaven

Time can bring you down Time can bend your knee

Time can break your heart

Have you begging please Begging please (instrumental)

Beyond the door There's peace I'm sure.

And I know there'll be no more... Tears in heaven

Would you know my name If I saw you in heaven

Will it be the same If I saw you in heaven

I must be strong, and carry on Cause I know I don't belong Here in heaven

Cause I know I don't belong Here in heaven

Loved you dearly; always wanted your approval; didn't always get it, but then others don't always get mine. I am my father's daughter.

Love, Jan

Okay, I'm REALLY back this time!

2009-01-09T20:20:00.004-05:00

I admit it, I lied to all of you a few months ago, when I said I was back. My mom bought me a journal which I've been using but blogging is so much easier, quicker and I can insert stupid pictures!! Yay!

Since we last talked. I'm still about the same weight (boo!) but I've been struggling with issues of depression, anxiety and bi-polar diagnosis. Bi-polar? Hell, I thought it was normal to scream obscenities at my husband, beg forgiveness, and make love. Doesn't everyone do that? Apparently not according to my therapist. But, what does she know? I'm on meds for depression, anxiety and bi-polar, but I'm NOT a zombie yet, so until I become one, I will continue to write.

Lately, I've thought lots and lots about how short this life is, death, disease, what's important, justice, and the lack of it, why do bad things happen to good people, and why do good things happen to bad people like me. Although my therapist, we'll call her Barbara because that's her real name, and I'm not into fake shit anymore, anyway, she tells me I'm not a bad person. I just have a disorder, the way that folks with diabetes have sugar problems. However, we all know the world doesn't view it that way. Why do bad things happen to little children? I will NEVER understand that. I've argued with God over that a million times, and the only answer I ever get is that child molesters "are redeemed too." Perhaps true, but not good enough for me. I want to torture them the way they torture the innocent.

I'm currently listening to "Follow You, Follow Me" by Genesis, one of my favorite songs by the way. It was "our" song. Me and Wendy. One of my best friends in high school. Me and my dad used to go to Dodgers games every Sunday, but one Friday night he had tickets, so we went. She came over to my house, I wasn't there, she went to a party alone, and was found 2 weeks later raped and murdered. She was a wonderfully beautiful person. I wasn't. I'm still not. Why did that happen to her and not me? Why did she suffer? Is she in a better place now? Does she forgive me for not being home? Had I been home would I have died too, or could I have saved her? The only way her father could identify the body was by her jewelry; that's how badly "he" beat her. What causes that kind of rage? My therapist tells me I have a "Savior Complex." So be it. I'd rather suffer that, than ignoring suffering. Something I'm supposed to be working on. Was I supposed to live to do something stupendous in life, give birth to the next Einstein, was it fate, luck, bad luck, karma, or just the shitty way things happen sometimes?

However, since we've last talked, I've learned I dont' give a shit anymore about my weight. Now, my health, spiritual, mental, and physical is a different matter. I'd rather be fat and happy, than skinny and miserable. But I found myself fat and miserable which equals bad combination. Need to work on my mind and my thoughts before I can work on my body.

I've withdrawn from friends, co-workers, my family, etc., over depression due to things that I cannot change. There is evil in the world. Whether you believe in God, Satan, etc., it doesn't matter, there is evil in the world. Watch the news. How does a mother kill her only child (Caylee Anthony)? How do people kill the very ones they gave birth to? Beats me. I've wanted to slap the shit out of my three, but even I, EVEN I, abstained. And if I'm crazy, and cannot hurt another human being, how do others find it in them to do it?

Okay, enough of all of that. I'm drinking wine so I'm getting morose. Now I'm listening to Dave Matthews, Say Goodbye, that's me and Sam's song. Peaceful, tranquil, lovely. There is goodness and love and peace in the world too. It's just finding it and holding on to it for a moment or two to remember it for those times you want to make the noose and end it all.

I think one of the reasons I love living on the East Coast versus the West Coast where I was raised is the seasons. They remind me there is a time for everything. Time to shut down, time to cry, time to laugh, time to nap, time to cuddle, time to make love, time to remember, time to mourn, etc.

I was expressing all of this the best way I could to my mother a few weeks before Christmas. I used to have a low opinion of my mother. No longer. Anyway, she said, "People think we're supposed to be happy all the time. Suffering is actually the human condition." Then, after she told me that, I read it like about 4 more times in different writings, Jewish, Buddhist, Christian, etc. We all do suffer; it's universal. It's not my problem alone. It belongs to all of us. We all share it.

Test - I'm Back!

2008-10-23T09:29:00.000-05:00

Just want to see if this works from this computer.....

What is it With Old Men????

2007-09-17T11:04:00.000-05:00

This past Saturday, our family went to Oktoberfest in Newark, Delaware. (I know, it's still September, but what the hell?) - Anyway, I got hit on by FOUR old guys. I'm 44, so to me, anything OLD is older than about 60-ish. And not only that, but they did this right in front of my 69 year old mother - who they SHOULD have been hitting on, not me. Oh, and did I mention I wear a wedding ring? Damn old perverts.

Here's some news to you old farts - we don't want to see your wrinkled up balls, your gross nose-hair that's 8 inches long, your one yellow tooth, your hearing aids, or help you with your walkers and your orthopedic shoes - GET IT?

Feeling-younger-and-younger-Fatima!!!

Apparently, even Jesus Had Bad Days!

2007-09-17T10:59:00.000-05:00

From Natalie Dee's other comic strip: http://www.marriedtothesea.com/

Heretic Fatima

My kinda daycare! Ha

2007-09-14T11:55:00.000-05:00

Mean Fatima

Mom's advice to me and my sister

2007-09-14T11:52:00.000-05:00

No wonder we have issues!

Daddy Long-Legs

2007-09-14T06:34:00.000-05:00

I heard a rumor many years ago, that daddy long legs, ususaly thought to be harmless are actually one of the deadliest/toxic forms of spiders - as in you'll die a horrible painful death if you were to ever get bitten by one. Here's the glitch. There mouths are so minuscule, they can't open them up wide enough to bite anyone. What an odd "gift" to give to this little, otherwise harmless creature.

However, my new stance is this: genetic anomalies happen all the time. What if his mother and father had large mouths, and he/she got an extremely wide or big enough mouth? Then what? So now I kill them all the time. No remorse.

Not a very interesting blog, but hey - kids are born with their intestines out of their bodies, snakes and lizards are sometimes born with two heads. Why can't a daddy long-legs have an extraordinarily mouth? I don't know about you - but I'm not taking any chances!

Arachnophobia Fatima!!!

I did it AGAIN!

2007-09-11T13:58:00.000-05:00

Didn't I just say last month that I will NEVER, under ANY circumstance, EVER chaperone another pre-school field trip? So, what did I do? I said yes. And for those of you who know me, you know I'm no stranger to the word, NO! No, I don't want to eat at that restaurant. No, I don't want to have sex right now. No, you cannot stay out past midnight. No, you cannot have more money for clothes. No, I don't want to help you move and then paint your fucking house.

But see - when it comes to Riley - well, all bets are off. She looks at me with those big brown baby eyes, and I actually become loving and nice.

At least when we went to the amusement park, the kids could yell and scream to their hearts' content. Guess where we're all going on December 6th? Just take a wild guess. The freaking Joseph Meyerhoff Symphony Hall to see The Nutcracker. What the hell kind of toddler food do they serve there? Goldfish crackers with caviar? Cucumber and peanut butter finger sandwiches? And I'm sure they're going to expect these little rug rats to be quiet. Right.....

Well, I guess you all know what I'll be writing about on December 7th, the day after. That is, if I'm not in jail. My kid will probably jump up on stage and try to dance along with them like they're The Wiggles or something. Maybe the dancers will get some horrible strain of strep throat and they'll have to cancel the show. One can only hope......

Stupid, stupid, stupid Fatima

Drugs Rock!

2007-09-11T13:43:00.000-05:00

Cartoonist, Natalie Dee, must be my long lost twin. Ok, my long lost much younger sister. Anyway, when I went to my shrink several months ago, he put me on Lexapro for depression. I've heard of Prozac, Paxil, Zoloft. But I got Lexapro. Today, I was looking through Natalie's archives (which can be found at www.nataliedee.com) and found this. Amusing.......and true! I just don't give much of a fuck! Ha!

Dear God!

2007-08-28T13:12:00.000-05:00

A Walrus Penis. It's not Tommy Lee, but still..........

Why Are People Stupid?

2007-08-28T12:07:00.000-05:00

That's all. Just why?

Were they dropped on their heads as infants?

Did they do too many drugs in the 70's?

Is something mis-wired in their brain?

Too much loud rock-n-roll?

Were they sick on the "common sense" day in 7th grade?

And here's the really strange thing - THEY THINK THEY'RE NORMAL!!!!

Give me a heroin addict, alcoholic, bulimic any day. I can handle that. I can't handle stupid anymore. Someone asks me a stupid question or says something stupid, I just shake my head and walk away. Not very nice, I admit, but much better than the obscenities that would spew from my mouth should I say something in return.

Today I read that some idiot senator got caught trying to engage in sex in a men's public restroom. Um, YOU'RE A SENATOR!!!! People might actually know who you are. You just might be embarrassed if you're caught. If might even piss off your wife. Good grief.

Oy!

Fed-up Fatima

Testing

2007-08-23T06:07:00.000-05:00

Just testing my blog; it was acting funky yesterday......

Out here...

For My Sister - The Baby-Corn Hater

2007-08-22T15:20:00.001-05:00

http://www.nataliedee.com/

Chocolate Hell

2007-08-15T11:12:00.000-05:00

So, last week I had this crazy idea it would be fun times to chaperone my 4 year old's preschool class to Hershey Amusement Park. Turns out a better day would have been had if I had decided to have major surgery with no anesthesia; perhaps have my spleen or one of my feet removed.

We got there and it was about 93 degrees, but with the humidity I think the weatherman said "it feels like 4000 degrees." He was right.

Now, for those of you who know me, you know I love kids. My own. And only my own. Passionately and fiercely. I love my nieces and nephews (Will, Alison, Ben & Caroline!), and if my sister ever gets off her drunk ass and decides to have any - I'll love them as well. And I love Cow's kids (Cali and Jacob). But that's it. Absolutely it; no more. I don't do playgroups, I don't babysit. I can barely stand my own children half the time, let alone yours. I don't remember when my own took their first steps or cut their first tooth, so for God's sake, quit telling me about when yours did.

So here I am in the blistering heat with 10,000 screaming 4 year olds who cannot wait in lines, can't decide which ride to ride, want to ride the same ride over and over again, and as if all that weren't bad enough - did I mention we were at HERSHEY PARK!?!? They were all on a serious chocolate high, which for those of you who aren't parents, is like crack cocaine to a toddler.

Hershey Park just opened a water park area in the last year or two. Oh, goodie. Now I have to make sure none of these sugared up brats drown. Oy. Just as we were all getting acclimated to the water and I'd saved about 7 kids from near 911-calls, it pours rain like in Noah's day and we all have to leave the park. The kids are screaming and unhappy because we have to leave. Inwardly I'm thrilled. I grew up in Southern California and have done my time at amusement parks.

We all pile back on the huge yellow school bus (!) and drive 2 hours home. Wet. In an air-conditioned bus. With chocolate smeared crack addict 4 year olds. Walked right in my front door, took a Xanax, a hot bath and went to bed early. Next time I have to chaperone a trip, I will pray fervently to God the night before that I'm struck with the "Explosive Diarrhea Plague."

Fatima

A drunk midget...Are you SURE?

2007-08-02T15:24:00.001-05:00

I just read yesterday that the father from "Little People, Big World" was arrested on his 2nd DUI. Have you ever seen him walk with his walking canes? Are they sure he was drunk or just trying to walk in a straight line with his limp? At least that's the defense I'd use.

I wonder if he had to stand on a stool to get his mug shot taken. My sister and I are infatuated with midgets. I'm curious about them and she's scared to death of them.

Perverted Fatima wants to know if all their bodily parts are in proportion to their bodies............but then that's how my mind works.

Oh, well, poor Matt.

Outta here, Fatima

Time Off

2007-08-02T12:07:00.000-05:00

I needed a much needed break from the busy-ness that is my life. Between my grumpy husband, my anxiety stricken mother and her lack of cooking skills, my 19 year old moody daughter with a smart mouth, my 4 year old toddler and two graduate classes, I had to no time to blog. More to follow later when I have something interesting to share.

Busy, busy Fatima

Death's Doorstep.....or Entertainment Center

2007-07-20T14:40:00.000-05:00

We've all pondered our own deaths. Some more than others. Ahem. But I think today I found the perfect way to preserve my loved ones when they go. Or, they can "do unto me" the same way. You can have your loved one's rotting corpse preserved in this nice little ensemble - WHILE YOU WATCH THE DISCOVERY CHANNEL!!!! What on earth could be better than that I ask you?

So, imagine - - now your spouse is, uh, taking a dirt nap and you bring home a date. You can sit on the couch and make out right in front of "Door Number One." How cool is that? And notice the little cubby holes for books and picture frames.

Once again - poke my eyes out; I've seen it all.

Fatima-in-the-box

The Perfect Afternoon

2007-07-19T10:01:00.000-05:00

This pretty much says it all. This is where I want to spend my afternoon. I'm going to go ask Akbar at 7-11 if he'll let me hang out in the cooler. He's pretty cool; he'll probably let me. It's 100 degrees in Baltimore today, and I'm still mad at "Pig" my husband - so this will work out perfectly!

Thirsty Fatima

Husbands Suck

2007-07-17T14:43:00.000-05:00

That's all. If you don't think so know, you will. They're pigs and liars and fatmouths. No wonder God created them first. I can hear Him/Her now, "oops," gotta fix that! And then woman was made!

Fatima hates men

Mom's Home Cooking

2007-07-09T10:18:00.000-05:00

Oh dear. I've let the monster loose. I took my mom shopping with me Saturday morning. She made the comment on the way home, "Do you guys like meatloaf?" A little too quickly, and without near enough thought, I replied, 'yeah.'

Oh, Fatima. Have you learned nothing in your sad, sorry existence on earth? Don't you remember the food substances of your youth?

Let's see. Friday, I got home from work and mom had made "Pudding from Hell." This recipe consists of Lemon Jell-O, cottage cheese, Miracle Whip, shredded carrots, chopped up red onion, bell peppers and celery. No. I am not kidding.

Saturday was the meatloaf incident. I do like meatloaf. My meatloaf. Or, my husband's. But not the thing she made the other night with a glob of ketchup running down the center of it.

Last night was her version of spaghetti, which would make most true Italians weep over the Madonna and say 10 Hail Mary's.

How do I get her to stop before she makes her infamous Frito Pie? If I were mean, I'd tell her that she's been looking a little pale lately and that she might want to go lay down........for a few days.........hmmm....

Fatima w/clogged arteries

what we all fear.........

2007-07-06T14:33:00.001-05:00

I Rebuke My Last Entry.....Temporarily...

2007-07-06T09:12:00.001-05:00

It's just far too much change and stress to try and become veg while my mother is in the house; my husband is always in a bad mood; so is my 19 year old (moody as hell, I tell ya!); and toddler, well, she's a toddler. I think once my mom gets her own place and my life can settle down a bit, I'll try it for at least 5-6 days per week, and then go from there to see what I think, how I like it, what my body does, etc.

I also am busy with grad school right now, and working in a career that's just not totally fulfilling to me. So, Fatima is going to quit pondering so much right now and learn to live a little bit more.

Peace. Fatima

I'm Thinking of Becoming a Vegetarian....

2007-06-27T08:09:00.000-05:00

.....only for about a 6-9 month period to see how I like it, handle it, etc. Plus, it will annoy my mother and piss off my husband and kids. See how everything always works out? I will be ambitious and start this weekend prior to July 4. I can always eat pasta salad, right?. My husband calls "them" Vaginatarians and thinks his cute little nick-name is a hoot. Okay, it was humorous the first time, about 5 years ago - but let it go.

My mother will totally freak because she doesn't read food labels and cannot figure out what she's to eat for her diabetes, cholesterol, heart, etc. Announcing I'm now a vegetarian should be comical.

Eggplant-eating-Fatima!

British Invasion

2007-06-26T13:18:00.000-05:00

It's not bad enough that every television show and magazine article is full of her pictures. You know the ones: they're always "I'm bored, pouting, but I'll likely kick your ass if you don't take my picture" - anyway, now the former Posh Spice has her own blog. Not that I've ever done a damn thing to "deserve" my own blog - hell this is America. If a dog had opposable thumbs, I suppose he or she could have their own as well. But do take 30 seconds (believe me, that's all you'll need) and go to it. It's more of a "look at me fest" than a blog. In fact I can't really remember if I saw any full sentences at all.............. There were no pictures of her husband or her sons, but there was one of her holding the proverbial superstar miniature dog. Here's one of the 28 pictures of her I counted looking perpetually pissed off and bored.

http://www.dvbstyle.com/news/index.html

Fatima-needs-an-Ale

Fatima Diverges in a Wood

2007-06-26T08:15:00.000-05:00

Fatima is no longer wondering about, looking for, or seeking advice about good food, good recipes, how to exercise. I mean, really, I've kind of known a lot about that for a long time. It's motivation I need and the will and desire to do it. So I will still keep this website just because it's fun for me to write down stuff and find funny pictures (kind of like journaling) - but I guess I'll change my "mission statement." I guess I feel like the smoker who knows what he/she does is bad for them, but continues. Guess we all feel we're gonna live forever, eh? Anyway, I'm sure weight, gyms, food, etc., will still show up - but lately it just hasn't been my huge focus. I think I'm becoming much more "health" conscious than "weight" conscious. That's a good thing I suppose.

(Speaking of food - it smells as though someone is cooking a dead goat in our office microwave. WTF? At least kill your animals before you eat them. I think they seasoned "it" with stagnant water and dirty socks. OY!!!)

BTW - If you'd like to leave comments, just come up with nickname (you can let me know later in an email or phone call what it is so I know who's leaving me the comment; you can also just do anonymous). Your comments will show up - NOT your email - only your comments. Then hit "Publish" and it will show up.

Fatima

Another Funny....

2007-06-25T14:16:00.001-05:00

I'd never wipe again...EVER!

2007-06-20T11:03:00.001-05:00

Some People are Just Never Happy

2007-06-20T10:03:00.000-05:00

....like me. You may, or may not, remember past posts when I expressed that I was bored with life. So, what do I do? I make my life so freaking busy that the drug companies who make anti-anxiety meds can't keep up with my need for them. And I don't always do so good with controlled substances. My tendency is to believe that if 1 is good, then 4 will be better. I've really been a lot better about that though.

Balance. How and when am I ever going to learn? Too little and I'm bored and listless, feeling as though I'm contributing nothing to life; learning nothing; feeling blah and lazy and depressed. Too much, and I feel that overwhelming need to be perfect, get everything done, be super-mom, super work person, etc.

Can't be done. Now, I long for lazy nights, in my Hello Kitty jammy pants, in front of the TV, cuddling my toddler instead of being in these stupid classes I'm in. Too much reading, too much writing, just too, too much. I think I've discovered or uncovered a nasty truth about myself: I want to be lazy, but I don't want to feel lazy or have others think I'm lazy. But truly, I want to do nothing. My heart now belongs to a 4 year old, not to academia.

Fatima-loves-Beana

Four!!!!

2007-06-16T21:33:00.000-05:00

No, I don't mean what you shout out on the golf course when you're about to bean someone in the head with a golfball. My toddler turned 4 this week. 4!! Un-freaking-believable. That means I'll be 44 in another week or two - which is also unbelievable because I still feel about 22 (and many of my smart-ass friends and relatives would say I still act 22).

She was given many dinosaurs, a skateboard (!) by her older sister who will be accompanying me to the ER when the need arises, Barbie stuff, Dora stuff, horse stuff, puppy stuff, clothes, the usual. She was thrilled with all of it.

My favorite present was the EZ Bake Oven I bought her. I had one when I was little. I don't believe my other two daughters had one, so this brought back many memories. Like the time me and my dad made pretzels. He tasted one and immediately pronounced, "Well. That tasted like shit." I'm still not crazy about pretzels to this day....

Anyway, last night Riley wanted to make chocolate chip cookies in her new EZ Bake Oven. Easy enough, eh? Oh. No. Recipe was simple enough. Put the tiny bag of mix in a bowl and add 3/4 teaspoon water. What does her mother do? I put in 3 teaspoons of water (I was VERY tired) and then wondered why this shit was so watery.... So instead of baking cookies for about 8 minutes, she had a chocolate chip cake that took about 20 minutes to bake. AND, as if that wasn't bad enough, I tried to get the damn thing out of the oven with the spatula they provide (which, by the way, looks exactly like a pooper-scooper for a cat litter box - see picture) and the thing went flying across the room and hit the wall - landing beautifully on the counter upside down. My mother was laughing so hard, I swear her false teeth were on the verge of falling out of her mouth.

You see my sister and her husband are like gourmet cooks. They own every known kitchen gadget known to mankind, make their own flour, pasta, cook wonderful sounding things, etc., and here her financial analyst sister can't tell 3/4 of a teaspoon from 3 teaspoons and then can't even operate a freaking EZ Bake oven. Good night, Irene!

Good news: I'm still my 4 year old's hero. She ate her chocolate chip "cake" and said it was yummy! We had yet another party for her at the park today, with more junk food and sugar. I feel like a walking zit.

Fatima-the-four-year-old's-hero!!!

Help.......

2007-06-15T10:25:00.000-05:00

That's all. I just need help.

Today, I feel like a sad, sad, sad little girl.

I need:

Help with homework

Help with housework

Help with husband

Help dealing with my kids

Help with anger & frustration

Help with my yard

Help with my mom

Help with nutrition

Help with rejuvination

Fatima in need of help and a smile and maybe even a hug

Sometimes......

2007-06-14T10:31:00.000-05:00

Dysfunction, dissatisfaction, unhappiness, bad relationships with kids and significant others, failure, restlessness, weariness, bad self image, etc., can just make you want to check out permanently. There are days it's hardly worth the effort because the effort is never appreciated or even noticed. Sometimes no matter what you do, or what you don't do, no one is ever happy, not even you. People always so quick to point out fault and all things bad. But very slow to ever say anything positive, loving or gracious. I knew that in my childhood, and now I find it has reared its ugly head again in my family. I wonder why that is. And I wonder what or who it is that brings us back around to deciding to giving life another chance.....

Fatima Ponders........

You Can Tell I'm Bored......

2007-06-12T12:40:00.000-05:00

......when I start posting this crap. I finished two major projects today and just can't bear the thought of starting another one (oh, and I'm off tomorrow anyway for toddler's 4th birthday; hee). So here are the awards for: What the hell were they thinking??

goose or bride....or both?

Pink, Marilyn Manson or Hannibal Lector?

and not to be outdone:

Banana Woman!

Fatima-the-obviously-out-of-touch-with-fashion

New Desk!!!

2007-06-12T10:48:00.000-05:00

My sister's an attorney and her birthday is coming up - her office threw her a party and bought her this lovely new chair. It cuts down on potty breaks thereby better utilizing time management - an important factor in law, research, etc.

I don't know about you - but I'm impressed as hell!

Bored Fatima

ARNIE'S DA MAN!!!!

2007-06-11T21:33:00.001-05:00

I don't know too many famous people - well, ok I don't know any - but my bro-in-law is up for like 4 (count 'em bitches, FOUR) Emmy's this weekend for a documentary he did.

Way to go - you are the bomb and inspiration to all humankind.

Have big fun - and be sure to thank me in your acceptance speech(es). Because as I've reminded folks many times...............IT'S ALL ABOUT ME.

You go!

Love, Fatima

School, Family & Violence

2007-06-11T21:33:00.000-05:00

So here I find myself once again taking graduate level courses and the emphasis is on the "es" in courses as in more than one.

For Christmas, I'm buying all my family members baseball bats so that when I bring up the subject of school, they can commence the new holiday traditional family beatings upon me.

Let's see:

elderly mother (just had heart attack and has anxiety over whether the mail comes at 2:00 or 2:01)

cat (eeww - mentioned that earlier)

Three year old who's 4th birthday is THIS WEDNESDAY! Have I planned a party, sent out invitations, ordered a cake? Oh, hell no. I think it will be at the park. Hopefully it will rain, we can just all come home, open presents, eat cake and take a nap.

A 19 year old going on 40 with the mouth of Maude for those of you who can remember that show.

A 24 year old who's husband just got stationed (AGAIN) in Afghanistan and she's under some anxiety issues as well this time. She'll be here in August. Apparently she'll be sleeping in the dryer as we've run out of bedding.

Oh, a full time job. They have the audacity to think that me showing up isn't good enough. They actually expect me to WORK when I get there. Bastards.

A husband who H-A-T-E-S his new job - and we get to hear about it.............often. God love him.

Ok, thanks for letting me vent. Oh, and how did I deal with this stress? By eating a Tollhouse Ice Cream Sandwich - which I think is 3 weeks' worth of Weight Watchers points. They invented a fucking birth control pill..............where's the pill that makes you slim after a few months? I just don't get it.

That which does not kill us only makes us stronger..............and crazier. This too shall pass.

Venting Fatima (much like Waltzing Matilda)

Feline Frustration

2007-06-08T14:05:00.000-05:00

Ok, I really will eventually get off this kick about my mother and her cat (!) who just recently moved in, but I have to vent. First off, I love animals - even cats - I'm just not a "cat person." Meaning that I'm more of a "dog person." They do what you tell them, they love and lick you; follow commands, ride with you in your car, you can walk them, etc.

This cat's food smells like tuna (bad tuna); and I won't even get into what the turdballs smell like.

My mother cannot/will not get over the fact that some of the senior housing she's looked at so far has deposits (either yearly or monthly) for pets. Well, yes, mom - pets scratch things, make stains on carpet, make noises, etc.

And we can't let our dog in while the cat is living with us, cuz she's a little, uh, aggressive. Not with people - but so far she's killed a mouse and a bird - so God only knows what she'd do to this poor cat!

Fatima-the-temporary- cat-owner

P.S. The picture of the cat is what I think my mom's cat would look like if saw our dog!

Barenaked Ladies

2007-06-07T08:43:00.000-05:00

Now, don't get all excited people. I'm talking about the rock/pop group, not actual barenaked ladies. I heard them this morning singing "If I had a Million Dollars," and thought of my girl, Heidi. Glad to hear things are working out for you, girl, both personally and professionally. I miss ya. Puh-leeze consider coming back to the Corps - we have ALL kinds of vacancies.

We need to plan a get-together, but every person in my family's birthday is in June! (Can you even believe Riley is going to 4 next week? Oy!) So, I'm kinda booked up. Maybe we could each take half day off work and get blitzed (ok, just tipsy...) over at the Wharf Rat.

Fatima

THE LATEST DIET!!!

2007-06-06T13:56:00.000-05:00

I stopped at the famous fast food joint, "BK." you all can figure that one out for yourselves and ordered a jumbo Turbo Coffee. Tried like hell to take tiny sips and did manage about 2 or 3 without incident. But then I forgot how scalding this crap is (and it's really not crap, it's quite good) and took a huge gulp.

After much painful shrieking noises and then cuss words, I decided that rather than sue "BK," I will just do this several times per day and won't be able to eat anything thereafter.

Good idea?

Third-degree-burned Fatima

Goth Jeopardy/For Cow Cuz It's Funny

2007-06-05T13:52:00.000-05:00

by www.NatalieDee.com

Another Trip Survived

2007-06-05T11:40:00.000-05:00

And I wish by "trip" that I meant an LSD one - but alas, no. I mean trip as in "road trip." Now, normally I'm up for a good road trip. But this one was with my anxiety-ridden mother and her cat who wouldn't quit shedding. I'm still picking cat hairs out of my back teeth.

I had to hear all about her medicines; when, where and how she takes them and what for, why, etc. I had to hear what her blood count was every time she took it, as well as her blood pressure. To read this, you'd think she was near death, but no. She's healthy as a horse for the most part. I hate to think what all medication she'll be one when she's truly unhealthy one day.

I had to hear about every one of her friends, neighbors, churchgoers (both past and present); their faults as well as their good points (but mostly their faults) to the point where I'm sure I wasn't a safe driver because my eyes just glazed over and I was daydreaming about beaches, pina coladas and handsome movie stars.

But the worst (other than that freaking cat!) was waiting for her to get ready each and every morning. No organization whatsoever. Or, she'll attempt to be organized, but then forget where she put everything that she so-called organized the night before. I'm wanting to get on the road each morning no later than about 7:00 a.m. - but nooooooo. we're still looking for her book, her glasses, the cat's water dish, her hair clips and "Oh, do you think we have enough bottled water for the trip?" questions. Right. Like they don't sell bottled water at EVERY gas station and convenience store from California to Maryland. As a joke I was going to bring her a 40 ounce beer and announce that they didn't sell bottled water - but I managed to refrain. Only because I would have had to drink said beer and probably would have been pulled. My luck.

Anyway, enough of the pity party of my trip from hell. I'm back to my home, my babies, my Baltimore, my job, the Internet, familiarity. And more importantly, I have plenty of Xanax and wine for when my mother anxiously worries over something.....uh.....which is about every 2 to 3 minutes. Seriously. You just don't know her. But I'm serious.

I Want to be a Lab Rat

2007-05-25T11:26:00.000-05:00

I want to do nothing all day long and have people stare at me and write up stuff all day which will entail a lot about nothing. I want to watch TV and inwardly laugh about Lucy Ricardo, Gilligan and Dr. Phil. Then, I'll itch and scratch to their amusement; perhaps even lick myself a few times. I may have to, uh, practice that. I don't think that exactly comes naturally to humans.

Think about it: no nagging spouse or kids, flop out a teat and let all the kiddies eat to their hearts' content; no one wanting any money; no car troubles; no laundry; no bills; no in-laws (except for the ones you haven't eaten yet); no jobs; no college loans; no lawn work; no trips to the Principal's office; no trips to jail (!); no school clothes shopping!

The only negative I can think of is that I think when the scientists are done with lab rates, the rats become a snake's lunch. Bastards.

Overwhelved, Ratty Fatima

Oh, Kashmir...

2007-05-22T13:20:00.000-05:00

...everything will be alright. Mommy promises. Everything bad feels like it going to happen to you but chances are that none of it will. I've been through this a thousand times - and not to take away from your experience, you will be okay. Trust me just like you did when you were a little girl and everything was always okay.

You need:

1. a good yelling at from me over some random thing like I cant find my favorit belt; (just so you know you're home)

2. A good knock-down drag-out with Alex

3. a pedicure

4. One of my famous margaritas

5. Cold Stone ice cream

6. Long, interrupted naps

7. Panera Bread

8. Mexican candy

9. Denny's breakfast.

10. Lots and lots of love from Beana.

11. A good yoga course or meditation course

See you soon. Love, mum

P.S. The two pictures are a few things you have to look forward to.

The Last Week of My So-Called Normal Life

2007-05-21T08:29:00.000-05:00

Yep, this is it. I should be one of those guys walking around with billboards in front and back of me proclaiming, "The End is Near." This is the last week of my normal, sorta quiet life at home with hubby and toddler.

A week from tomorrow, I have to fly to Southern California; pick up my mother; and then drive across the country back home. God only knows how this is going to seriously pan out. We'll be alone on the road. Alone. Together. For about 4 days. Hopefully, it will be over in 4 days. It has to be. I have to get back to work; back to school; back to my husband and my kids; back to my normal life.

But, is it going to be normal any more? No. She's moving in with us until she finds suitable housing. We already have kid #2 home now because we all agreed it was too expensive for room & board when she can just commute to school. Then, kid #1 is coming home too sometime later this summer. Oy. My husband literally said these words to me last night, "Where are all these people sleeping? And, I hope you know that NONE of them are sleeping with us!" I can't imagine why he wouldn't want my 68 year old mother in bed with us. Maybe he'll make an exception if we just make a pallet for her on the floor with a little sleeping bag; we'll pretend we have another new-born.....

I love them all, but I'm already looking forward to naps I won't get. I don't want to have to cook and/or clean for all these people. Is it too unrealistic to expect that they'll all wait on me?!!! Perhaps, they'll all just step up to the plate and things will be wildly fun, silly, full of laughter and memories. But just in case they're not, I'm getting my meds re-filled this Wednesday.

Fatima-the-Optimistic

Oh, My, My, My, My.....

2007-05-18T14:40:00.000-05:00

I first heard this on the news on my way in to work yesterday and shook my head, but then the events of the day erased this memory (although I don't know how it could). Apparently, Amy Fisher (the Long Island Lolita) and Joey Buttofucco - and perhaps even Amy's new husband, Joey's ex-wife and Joey-the-Tool's new wife are all going to be on a reality show together. Now this can't be fully substantiated. I mean, I've read it on several Internet sites and heard it on the radio - but that's it folks. It's not like I've seen their contracts or anything.

When and where and how are we going to realize we've gone just a tad too far? We already have ER scenes on the Discovery channel which get pretty gruesome. I watch them, but I kinda wish they weren't on at dinner time. There's Skylab where the lesbian owner of the gym, makes out with every female within 20 feet of her (and this is no anti-gay statement, but honey, keep it in your pants for at least 30 minutes). There are at least 72 plastic surgery shows on at any given time. The Animal Planet shows grisly scenes of pet operations. It's like we're now into our "Faces of Death" reality culture. What next? We capture Bin Laden and let him have a reality show on how to fold white robes & turbans, and handle 29 wives and 57 children? Charles Manson could host one too; if we could only understand his incoherent ramblings... Reality got boring, as it usually does, so now we must interject death, blood, and gruesome-ness in all its forms, etc., to keep us entertained.

But I digress. Back to Amy and Joey, who I thought were L-O-N-G forgotten. I cannot even begin to imagine what a dinner or a conversation might revolve (oops, no pun intended) around. Naturally, amongst couples having a few glasses of wine, things like money, sex, local crimes, etc., are discussed. Okay, well they were the leading force of ALL OF THAT back in the late 80s, early 90s. I can't even remember the exact time frame now of when all of this went down. All I know is - Dear Lord - can you think of anything at all more awkward than sitting across from some old dude you used to screw for money and his wife who you SHOT IN THE FACE? Oy vey Jose! And what are they going to do with all the kids during this show? I wouldn't particularly be predisposed to being courteous to someone who shot my mother in the face and almost killed her And what about Amy's new husband? I'll betcha 10-to-1 he doesn't allow any handguns in the house.

But, here it comes............the really sad part. I will watch every bleeping second of it. Not because I'm hooked to reality TV. I can proudly declare I have never watched not even one episode of Survivor or American Idol. Oh, no. I go for the low and the dirty: Dog the Bounty Hunter, Flav-O-Flav, The Osbournes (c,mon - everyone loved Ozzy even if we couldn't understand him), and now Gene Simmons' Family Jewels. So, it is with great sadness that I confess that if this show airs, I will be sitting in front of the TV with 94% fat-free popcorn taking it all in.

Fatima-the-Pathetic

Fatima's Not-So-Secret Crush

2007-05-17T11:20:00.000-05:00

It's a given in our home that if any of the CSIs (Las Vegas, Miami or NY) are on - don't bother mom. Mom loves them all, but the original, as with most things in life, is by far the best. Nothing beats a good Gil Grissom mystery on ANY day.

And part of why I love the show so much is simply because of his character. I think I've developed one of those stupid 12 year old crushes. In my puberty days, we had crushes on David Cassidy, Bobby Sherman, Fonzie, etc. My oldest had a thing for awhile over Mr. Pitt, and my middle child's room was once covered in posters of Mr. Timberlake (barf-ola). I'll have to wait another decade to see who child #3 has crushes on.

But, you see - I'm 43 years old!!! I'm happily married - even though that saying is sometimes referred to as an oxymoron. I'm not supposed to still have crushes, am I?? But alas, I do. I'm still moving and breathing, and gleefully looking forward to tonight's double episode. God forbid I smell smoke, cuz I'll go down in the flames before I'll miss tonight's episodes.

Fatima-Loves-Gil

Me & Cow, Together Forever

2007-05-16T15:00:00.000-05:00

Paula - I just figured out a way we can be joined at the hip - of course we'll have to show up half time at your work, half time at mine; share chores and kids, and let's not even get into how we'll manage sex with our husbands......

Fatima Misses Cow

I got a B!!

2007-05-16T10:30:00.000-05:00

I always strive for A's when I take courses, and in my 20s, this B would have made me cry - but I don't give the two necessary shits anymore about perfection that I used to. I almost cried because I was so happy I got the B!!! I thought for sure I would fail this course - thank you, thank you thank you!!!!

Happy (but a little less sharp) Fatima

Interesting Little Site...

2007-05-12T23:14:00.000-05:00

So I'm perusing the Internet tonight (it's 12:15 a.m. EST). I took a nap earlier and apparently it was a little too long because now I'm finding it hard to to get sleepy.

I came across: http://drstrangesales.blogspot.com/

Hilarious. All about the odd and strange things people put out there to the public on the internet to sell. That, in and of itself, isn't so odd. I mean who hasn't seen some bizarre shit for sale on ebay? But here's what they found - this is unedited; I copied and pasted:

Rent-a-dildo! Ewwwwwww

This has to be one of the scariest sites I have ever seen! If you've ever heard of Intelliflix you'll know the kind of service this site offers but instead of giving you as many dvd rentals as you want for a fixed membership fee these guys give you a choice of hundreds of different types of dildos to rent. And send back. For other people to rent. As if that wasn't enough they actually had to make a change in their policys and put this notice on their site:"Effective immediately, we will cease lending anal sex toys to customers. This includes butt plugs, anal beads, anal probes, and dual-penetration dildos. If you currently have one of these types of rental toys, you may keep it without charge as a courtesy accommodation." (That is just an excerpt.. There was more..)

Shocked and Amazed Fatima

A Little Help, Please

2007-05-12T21:58:00.000-05:00

Had a lovely family bonding day in Baltimore today. It was a warm, sunny 87 degrees and we took our 3 year old to the Maryland Science Center. They have two huge exhibits going on right now - one on space/planets/the solar system, and the other one is on dinosaurs. This kid loves dinosaurs as much as she loves her mommy, Happy Meals and her baby dolls. She knows all of their names, whether or not they were carnivores, and now she's beginning to learn the various periods of their existence a well (Mesozoic, Jurassic, etc.)

Any-hoo we had a great 4-hour long trip through space and dug through sand to find bones, and ate hot dogs and popcorn at the IMAX dinosaur movie. All was well in the world.

We walked back to the car and she was very pensive; obviously something was on her mind and I just assumed she was disappointed that we left and that she was in need of a nap. I asked her what was wrong.

Riley: Mommy - I don't wanna be a "vettinarian" any more. Is that okay?

Me: Honey, of course it's okay, you can do whatever you want to do when you grow up. What do you think you want to do now if you're not going to be a veterinarian?

Riley: I'm going to be a Paleontologist.

A paleontologist! She's three. I need help immediately if not sooner. I'm no retard, but this kid amazes me. I know every parent thinks their child is a genius - but I'm here to tell you - this kid is a genius. How the hell do you raise someone who's already smarter than you at 3????

Slow Bus Fatima!

Weighty Issue

2007-05-11T22:37:00.000-05:00

So the other night, I brought up emotional eating to my therapist. He recommended a couple of books - which will mean a lovely trip to Barnes and Noble as well as an iced coffee from Starbucks - Yay!

He suggested that the yo-yo dieting, putting on an taking off of weight my entire adult life could possibly be a rebellious way of telling my father to screw off - since he's the one who used to stay on me, night and day, over my weight. This could be my way of "showing" him I'll do what I want, eat what I want, when i want, etc. Well, I sure showed him, didn't I???

But really, who is it showing anything to except the poor person standing behind me in a line thinking "baby's got BACK, and not in a good way like the song implies!

Don't know for sure; it was just one of his theories, but I'm giving it some thought. I also eat when I'm happy, bored, sad, lonely mad - emotional eating. That's what I'm going to look for at B&N this weekend. Maybe I could just take up non-stop gum chewing a la Britney Spears (except I don't think I'll be shaving my head), until my teeth fall out. that will be attractive!

Emotional Fatima

Resident Douchebags

2007-05-11T13:50:00.000-05:00

Yep; every office, neighborhood, place of worship, club, family, etc., has them. Hate to say it guys (this is just my perspective cuz I'm a girl) - but they're usually men....usually. These DBs are the ones who, for the life of them, cannot look above your boobs, they won't open the door for you (and I don't care that I am a feminist - it's just good manners); they take the last cup of coffee and then apparently go brain-dead because they can't seem to make the next pot for others; they always use over-used corporate terms like "synergy," "thinking outside the box," and "brainstorming;" they're always oh, so busy as though the rest of the world doesn't also work and have interests that take up our time as well; they interrupt conversations; they never donate to anything in the office; they leave before the bill comes at restaurants - OR - they'll throw down a $10 or a $20 and then leave when their portion of the bill was MUCH higher, which means not only did someone else have to cover their lunch/drinks for them, we get to pick up the DB's portion of the tip as well.

I've been married my entire adult life, but I've heard some rather DB stories from my single friends who have been the unfortunate recipients of some DB's actions on dates - running out of gas; no handle on the inside of the car to get out (!); forgetting wallet; expecting sex 15 minutes into the date; talking non-stop about the ex, forgetting to mention his wife - you know, little things like that.

I'm pretty lucky I suppose; right now I have only one DB in my office; one in my neighborhood and two at my church - that's not so bad. This all started today when one DB (from a different office; not mine) looked at a picture of my 19 year old daughter and asked about her....and yes, he's more than old enough to be her father. But anyway, I told him she's majoring in Business/Economics. He guffawed (don't see that word much, do ya?) and said, "Nah; she should get into modeling." Riggghhhhttttt..........so she can just look pretty for men, weigh 78 pounds and fret because she doesn't weigh 75 (but she can always take laxatives to get rid of those last 3 pounds), wear someone else's clothes who get all the fame, glory and money, and then be a total burnout when she's somewhere between 25 - 29 because that's when all the new 14 -17 year olds take over as supermodels.

And then - as if that wasn't bad ENOUGH, he asked me if she'd ever won any beauty pageants. Beauty pageants!!!! Oh, sweet mother of Buddha. He said this to a known feminist!! I looked at him like he had 8 heads and said "I don't even allow that crazy antiquated shit on the TV in my house, are you kidding me? Rating women on their looks and their ability to twirl a baton, or tap dance?" And that's pretty much when he looked at me like I had 8 heads. Hopefully, he'll never come near my desk again. Stupid Douchbag!

I'm sure there's lots of other great DB stories out there - please share (even if they're about women, that's cool too)

Fatima - Hater of all things 'Pageant'

The Two Most Idiotic Things I Read Today

2007-05-08T15:15:00.000-05:00

1. Ty Pennington, hunk of Trading Places, and now spokesperson for a variety of things like Sears, Black & Decker, etc., apologized for his DUI. If he hadn't been caught, would he have come out and apologized that he was drinking last night, didn't caught, but was still sorry for all the innocent lives he could have killed/endangered? No. I've driven under the influence so I'm no Pollyanna when it comes to this subject, but please quit apologizing to the press and your fans. You're sorry cuz your stupid ass got caught.

2. Kathy Hilton "stands behind her daughter." Yes, number one because no one wants to see Kathy's picture or even her for that matter, they only want to see Paris. And two, of course any self-respecting mother stands behind her daughter. Could she not have come up with anything better than that?

I've seriously got to quit reading tabloid trash, the news, or anything even resembles it. It's depressing, sad and full of pathetic indulgence. Grrrr.

Out here - Fatima

Take Home Test from Hell

2007-05-07T12:47:00.000-05:00

I wrote in many, many posts ago that I was insane for thinking I could easily (EASILY) take and pass a Financial Analysis graduate course when I am a Financial Analyst; that's what I do for a living. Oh. So wrong. And so sad.

Well, the first quiz I swore I failed, I got scored 100. Things were starting to look up. I have since received anywhere from 88s to 100s on everything I've turned in thus far (homework problems, quizzes, mid-term, and two abstracts).

But Saturday. Oh. That was a horse of a different color. She handed out the final; she'd told us ahead of time it was a take-home, and that we had to have it back in the mail to her around Wednesday-ish so she'd have time to grade it.

I looked at it - really looked at it - Sunday morning over coffee. I thought I picked up a copy of the Ukranian Times. Or perhaps a do-it-yourself manual for a nuclear missile written in Cantonese. I swear to God - I don't remember learning any of this shit! I mean I know I daydream from time to time (well..........a lot), but this shit is as crazy as thinking about poor old Paris is black and white stripes for 45 days. A little humorous, yes, but crazy.

I don't know how long it will take for her to grade everything and then for her to send out final grades, but I'll let everyone know about my F, uh, I mean my low B. I should have become a Physicist; that's starting to look easier to me than this fucking test. This picture depicts how I feel after looking at each problem on my test!

Dunce Fatima

Let's Talk About......Us

2007-05-05T07:59:00.000-05:00

I love watching Alex sleep. My middle child. The one who is the most, well, challenging to keep up with and raise. The reason why I had to know all the numbers to the school, the Principals' names, the guidance counselor's names, where the local police station was, etc. She's never been bad exactly - not in the classic sense of most parents' nightmares of drugs, sex, breaking the law and so forth. Alex is just Alex. She tends to challenge authority; tends to be moody; tends to question things; tends to be most like me.

So she came home last night from college to visit while hubby and toddler are away. We had dinner then watched Will Smith's "The Pursuit of Happyness." She slept with me last night for the first time in a long time. And when I watch her sleep, she's still that tiny princess we brought home one February afternoon. She's still that tiny little blond kid who was afraid of her own shadow. I was her best friend when she was little; she lived for my attention and my approval. Once, when she was about 3 or 4, she plopped down on my lap and said, "let's talk." I said, "about what?" She said, "Let's talk about.......us!" "We" were her favorite subject.

Life moved on; she's a beautiful 19 years old now. Her life is going in a completely different direction than mine did at 19 - and that's a good thing. But I love to watch her sleep because she transforms again into that tiny little girl who once adored her mommy.

Wistful Fatima

Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy!!

2007-05-04T15:39:00.000-05:00

Mom's fine! Yay! She did suffer a small/slight heart attack according to the cardiologist, but all the tests they've run since Monday have come back fine and she's back at home now as I write this. They tested her carotid artery, did an ultrasound on her heart, gave her blood thinners and performed an angiogram. The angiogram did detect a tiny obstruction, but they were able to quickly remove it with a blood thinner, so she didn't even require a stent or anything more invasive than having to take some medicine.

I've been lecturing her (yeah, like I'm in a position to do that, right?) on her stress level. However, I humbly recognize that while I lecture her, I internally lecture myself too. Nothing, nothing at all, is worth worrying over to the point of your health - unless of course one of your children was on their deathbed or something extraordinarily unusual like that. But today - after all she's been through this week - she was fretting over the condition of her clothes because they've been balled up in a bag since she got to the hospital. I'm like, "Mom! You're doing it again! Who cares what you look like? Everyone who knows and loves you knows you've been in the hospital and just HAD A HEART ATTACK!!" Old habits are hard to break.

My goal: when she finally gets her ass out here to Maryland, we're both going to work on simplifying our lives, slowing down, being more positive, eating right, exercising, taking better care of ourselves, loving ourselves, adopting some of the philosophies I spoke of in an earlier post from the book, "The Secret," etc. If she gives me any grief over it, I'll simply force her; I'm much taller than her, louder and more obnoxious, not to mention stronger and younger.

If she insists on worrying and stressing, I'm going to give her something to stress over - it sure as hell won't be the condition of her cuticles or whether or not to make fruit salad or vegetable salad for the local church potluck. By God, if she's gonna insist on stressing, it's gonna be because her first born is going to beat the hell out of her on a daily basis until she learns to knock it the hell off. Nothing like a little compassion, eh? I consider this as falling under "honoring my mother" - I'm looking out for her health. :)

Thanks to all our friends and family who prayed and gave us all encouraging words. Thanks for letting the tears flow and the laughter flow as well. Thanks to our dear friend, Tony, who offered up his plane ticket to California in case I needed it. I don't deserve all the love and friends and family I have - but I'm glad God put you all out there for me.

Thankful Fatima

This sucks.............

2007-05-01T20:06:00.000-05:00

Ok, I'm usually pretty upbeat and humorous in my posts - even when I'm being depressed and talking about negative things. But today I found out that my mom was taken to the ER this morning. So far we don't exactly why. First we heard it was dizziness and now we're hearing chest pains. My tendency is to think it's a case of some big-time stress related crap- at least that's all I hope and pray it is. But we all know it could be a lot worse. A lot. She also has diabetes, so that's always a concern no matter what the medical issue. The fact that me and my sister both live hours away doesn't help matters.

For those of you who pray - pray. Or chant, or say a mantra, or walk a peace trail; if you're an atheist, just send out some positive thoughts and karma. I promise you somehow it will come back your way - even if I have to threaten God and the Universe, I will. Allie and I just lost our dad not too long ago, it's too soon to have anything at all happen to our mom. And that's all there is to that. Plain and simple.

Nervous Fatima

Another Sell-Out

2007-04-30T15:20:00.000-05:00

Dear Lord - just when I can't see it coming, it runs me over. Now, the oh-ever-so conscious "healthful" daytime TV show cook, Rachael Ray, has a new contract with Dunkin Donuts. Yes, you heard it here. Dunkin-Fuckin-Donuts. Not Kashi, not Raisin Bran, not Soy Milk, not Nutri-Grain bars, not even a diet cola. But donuts. What on earth could be WORSE for you than a donut? Except perhaps a donut followed by a bucket of KFC and 18 martinis? She's got TV shows (plural), she's the spokeswoman for Ritz, has a plethora of cookbooks - AND a talk show (although I'm not exactly sure if that's still on or if it got cancelled.....). Exactly how much money does one person need?!??!?!? And if you want to further endorse goodies to make extra moolah, how about some granola or orange juice or almonds? Good God - fried dough. What next? Marlboros?

Disappointed Fatima

Mumsie Dearest

2007-04-28T06:47:00.000-05:00

So, here I've thought all these years that I've been able to hide most of my issues/problems from my mother - with very few exceptions. Obviously she had to know about my divorce, and there were a few other scattered things that I've admitted to her over the years.

But when she came to visit me after my back surgery last August, she brought me a "Life Recovery" edition/version of the Bible. Life Recovery. How did she know? Who told her? One of my kids? Doubtful. My husband? Hardly. My sister. Possibly, but I doubt that too - she has her own issues which unfortunately my mother would quickly bring up and point out. Surely my sister would know to keep her mouth shut lest the subject would suddenly change over to her.

Methinks it's because she not only knows me because I'm her first born, but in many ways I'm like my father. Who or what evil force exactly gives mothers this odd intuition? And, it should be removed immediately. Aren't we entitled to our own private addiction-filled lives?

So how did she know? Because she's my mother. Now that I'm a mother, I know when my kids are depressed, when they're moody, when they're lying, when they've been drinking, etc. Perhaps not 100% of the time (and that's a good thing!) but basically I know.

So now she's moving out here. What secrets will I have left? Will this lead me to my old teenage ways of sneaking and lying? I hope not. It's taken me 30 years to get away from that mode of secret-keeping. I live my life and that's all there is to it; like it or leave it. That's not to say I don't try to be respectful of other's feelings, and I'm not hedonistic - but I am an adult. Hopefully this move won't make me feel like I'm 13 again. Not that I ever really felt that way at 13; in fact I remember I was always the more "dominant" one in our relationship even tho she was the mother. I always got my way with her. She would defer to me - and I'm praying to God that continues!!

Slightly-Anxious-Fatima

Weigh in on Weight

2007-04-27T19:46:00.000-05:00

So far all me and my therapist and psychiatrist have gone over is a little OCD, a little bi-polar (and I do really mean a "little" of these things - I'm not a full one of either). Anyway, my next appointment is next Wednesday (around May 2 or something like that), and we will then begin to discuss weight issues - cause and effect.

I've been doing a lot better on the WW Core program, eating whole foods, going to Curves, and following some of the advice/suggestions from "The Secret," but I fear there's way more deep down that has yet to be uncover.

One interesting thing that came out last night is that I tend to be rebellious, and much of that rebelliousness dates back to my father and "showing him I'll do whatever the hell I want to do."

Enought of that - literally.

I'll let you all know what comes out of our weighty discussion - no pun intended.

Less Weighty Fatima (I think I've lost around 17-18 pounds now)

Just Something I Thought was Funny.....

2007-04-27T11:43:00.000-05:00

Fatima's Book Club

2007-04-27T09:00:00.000-05:00

Ok, so Fatima's Book Club it's not Oprah's book club, but screw her. I'm still young - I can start my own book club if I want to. Some of her suggestions have sucked anyway.

Now, I don't normally give advice (OK, well, I do, but I honestly try not to unless asked) - but I highly recommend buying the book "The Secret," by Rhonda Byrne. Yes, it's another "kinda" self-help book but of a different genre. It goes along with "so as a man (or woman) thinketh, so he is"- but it's not terribly religious in nature. Very good ideas, thoughts, examples. But it's not as pithy and "simple" as Norman Vincent Peale or Robert Schuller's "Positive Thinking"exercises of the 70s. Especially for those of us who are a little on the cynical, snide, depressed, negative side of life - it can provide new perspective. It's all based on the "law of attraction," and I don't mean sexual attraction, but rather that what we think about over and over, we attract - whether that's good (positive) or bad (negative).

I've actually tried some of the exercises/thoughts for the last 10 days or so with some pretty outstanding results. If nothing else, it's a fairly short book - not terribly expensive and wouldn't hurt to add to your library.

Fatima-the-Reader

Vice Squad

2007-04-25T12:54:00.000-05:00

Why exactly is it that other people's vices bother us so much? And I'm lecturing myself as well as all you poor souls reading this because I'm not immune. Is it because we think we're better than they are? Do we think we could never sink to that level? Have we perhaps seen ourselves doing some of these things and we don't want to slip back into that particular bad behavior, i.e., the ex-smokers who are such assholes about others' smoking, or ex-fatties who can't stand fat people?

Many years ago, I was regular weight but smoked. A co-worker AND a good friend of mine teased me about my cigarette break, "Oh! Going out for another coffin nail, are ya?" Okay, she weighed in at about an easy 300. But if on the way to the daily donut box I had said to her, "Oh! going for another fried piece of cellulite, are ya?" I would have been the pariah of the office. I would have hurt her feelings and ruined our otherwise good relationship. Postscript: I ended up quitting smoking; she's probably tipping the scales at closer to 400 these days - seriously.

Then there was my father (God rest his soul; now deceased) who also couldn't stand fat people, but smoked, did drugs, did prison time, cussed, was snide & cynical, etc., but made wisecracks about the overweight. My own mother has struggled with her weight all her life, but makes comments about the seriously obese.

Where the HELL is everyone's compassion and understanding about personal issues others face? I mean I have NO compassion for a child rapist, but for God's sake that little "habit" is on a totally different level than someone who turns to a cigarette, pipe, bottle, or a donut to relieve stress - don't you think?

I don't want to get up on my soapbox, but I will for a moment. Perhaps we all need to revisit the logs in our own eyes before pointing out the splinters in others. If we spent more time on self-improvement and love for our fellow mankind, maybe someone's smoking, drinking or eating could actually be understood or we could have concern for them instead of disdain.

Fatima on her Soapbox

Empty Nest....No More

2007-04-22T20:10:00.000-05:00

My two oldest hoodlums moved out of the house on the same day in August 2006. Many tears were shed that day by all of us, but it was for the best. The eldest had flown home to help me after back surgery and then left in late August to go be with her husband before they reported to their new duty station in Italy. The middle child left home the very same day to go move into her dorm room. Those traitors left me alone in a house with my mother (!), my 3 year old, and my husband - all of whom talk to themselves. Oy vey, Jose.

Anyway, August seems to be the month of changes in my life. My mother is coming to live with us in late May until she can find senior housing. How long will that take? I'm hoping the wait is only something like 2-3 months and not a year....Sweet Jesus. The middle child is going to move home this summer and save us some $$ on room and board because we live plenty close enough for her to commute to school. Then, I was notified last week that the eldest will be moving back in from August to December because her husband's going back to Afghanistan with Uncle Sam for a year; she'll be lonely, wants to see us, blah blah blah.

Meds need to be increased immediately, and I need to find hobbies QUICKLY. Send any and all ideas as soon as possible. Oh, and did I mention the road trip from hell I have to take with my mother from California to Maryland? It's a shame you can't drink heavy brown liquor straight out of the bottle while you drive. Who made those silly laws anyway? I'm already imagining the relentless 4 days worth of blather I'll have to listen to on my cross-country trek.

Pray for Fatima!

I'm Okay, You're Not So Okay

2007-04-21T23:04:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I'm over at our friends' house tonight discussing crazy people - my favorite subject. He is a Physician's Assistant at the VA in Baltimore; she is a Colonel (Ph.D.). is the US Army having served two terms counseling PTSD folks at Abu Graihb (Sp?) and now works at Walter Reed Army Facility.

You know what? I'm not crazy at all. Not at fucking all. I have some quirks, some weaknesses, some OCD moments, even a little bi-polar shit going on, I have some depressive moments for no reason at all - but I. AM. NOT. CRAZY. Not according to these folks and the stories they tell about their patients. Oh. My. Their patients who rape, murder, torture, talk to themselves (out loud!), hurt themselves, eat their feces, etc.

I'm a fucking miracle to be alive. So, I have a few little wierdnesses.............who doesn't? And if they say they don't, I don't' believe them and don't trust them.

Like Eddie Vedder from Pearl Jam says - oh, I, I, I'm still alive, yeah, I. I, I'm still alive.............

Rock on Eddie. All you other crazy fuckers made my day. However I still have compassion for you. Strong, serious compassion. And I hope that there either comes a day when you're either medicated properly, or you can somehow function in this society without bias and ridicule.

Normal Fatima

On Being Normal (whatever that is...)

2007-04-21T07:57:00.000-05:00

So, I've figured out that I'm frequently bored. Actually I've known that for some time. In fact my parents were told that by some psychologists/psychiatrists when I was a young child. Did I ever tell you that I skipped the 3rd grade? No? Well, I did. I don't say that to brag, it was just another boredom thing. My parents were told to keep me from getting bored. In fact, they did just quite the opposite.

Thus, to keep me unbored, I have drank, smoked, medicated, eaten, shopped, etc., all to fill some void and to keep me 'interested' in life I guess. I think I need to observe some normal people (surely there have to be 3 or 4 still in existence) to see exactly what it is they do with themselves every day. Hobbies? Knitting? Exercise? Clean house? Sudoku puzzles?

I will observe them, watch them, follow them, stalk them if I have to, in order to see what it is that fills a normal person's day. But we all know I won't do that. Eventually, they will bore me too. Oh well; time to go take a happy pill and study for a quiz in a class that, uh, bores me too. Perhaps knitting is the answer. It will keep my hands busy and I can give away my masterpieces as gifts to unsuspecting friends and relatives. I think my sister and my friend, Paula, would especially appreciate holiday sweaters this Christmas!

Bored Fatima

....and Even More Therapy

2007-04-19T15:13:00.000-05:00

Yes, all the foolish past and present must come out, but just how much do I divulge, and at what times? One thing I find humorous is when I say something that actually makes a Psychiatrist or a Psychologist raise their eyes. (Hey! I thought you were trained not to do that!!!) Anyway, last night was no different. I got a few raised eyes. Oy. The pain and suffering it must be to be my therapist! Bless them!

Crazy Fatima!

My Prayer for all of Us...

2007-04-19T14:21:00.000-05:00

....that we never feel the pain and anguish of the parents, families and victims of the VA Tech attack, nor do we ever feel the anguish of the mental illness that causes people like the shooter to do what he did. Must be horrid anguish on both sides - to be full of rage, hatred, confusion, loneliness, etc., and to be filled with sorrow over the loss of a child. I have a college-age child and I can't even begin to imagine what the parents, friends and relatives all must be going through. I pray every day for their healing.

Fatima-in-sorrow

Well, Damn if They Haven't Gone and Thought of Everything!

2007-04-13T13:36:00.000-05:00

The Only Math Formula I Know

2007-04-13T11:54:00.000-05:00

Shopping = Happiness

Sad. Isn't it? My therapist told me the more and the longer I'm on my anti-depressant meds, the shopping tendency should subside to something normal. Okay. First of all, crazy people don't know what "normal" is; and secondly, what will I do when I don't shop? Read? I used to read a lot; but you have to buy books. I can't do libraries because I always end up owing them fines and it pisses me off. This guy doesnt' know it yet, but he really has his work cut out for him.......

My task: what void is shopping filling in my life? Intimacy? Self-love? Self-esteem? Boredom? We'll see.

But meanwhile, isn't this the cutest Spring Coach bag you've EVER seen? If any of you want to get it for me, it's only $498...

Purse-lovin'-Fatima

Easter should be Banned!

2007-04-11T11:50:00.000-05:00

Ok, I'm a Christian and Easter is our holiest of holy days - but it's also our sugariest of sugar days. We filled up our 3 year old's basket with enough sugar to feed most third world countries, then told her "No, you can't eat that - it's got too much sugar." I know she's thinking in her little 3 year old mind, "Are these fuckers crazy? Didn't they just give this to me? Exactly WHEN do I get to eat it?!"

Alright, we're not that bad, we let her have about two things a day. However, there are no holds barred for mom and dad. I ate an entire caramel-filled chocolate bunny. I ate my 3 year old's Easter bunny! There's got to be a special place in hell for that. Or perhaps not, since I guess Satan doesn't really do the whole Easter thing...............Oh well, getting back to the candy and chocolate. The other wonderful things in her (my) basket are Snickers eggs. Oh. My. God. Somehow, they're better than a regular Snickers.

Anyway, this is now what I'm sure I look like from behind. Serves me right. Any mother that would eat her toddler's Easter bunny should look like this!

FAT-ima

Sisterly Love

2007-04-10T16:14:00.000-05:00

I now watch my two much older daughter with their tiny little sister and see the love in their eyes for her, and in hers for them. They all literally adore one another. Never dawned on me, not once, that my little sister may have loved me that much. I know I loved her dearly and missed her dearly when I left home at the tender age of 18. It's not excuse, but I got pregnant, married, started setting up house, playing housewife and mommy, etc., and basically ignored my little sister figuring she was too busy crooning over some 80s version of a Backstreet Boy to give her much older sister any thought. I've since learned I was wrong (I keep learning that in life) I seem to learn more often than not that I'm wrong than I'm right..........anyhow, this is usually designated as a "romance" song, but every time I hear it, it reminds me of her and how much I still love and miss her.

Maybe I didn't love you

Quite as often as I could have

Maybe I didn't treat you

Quite as good as I should have

If I made you feel second best

Girl I'm sorry I was blind

You were always on my mind

Maybe I didn't hold you

All those lonely, lonely times

And I guess I never told you

I'm so happy that you're mine

Little things I should have said and done

I just never took the time

You were always on my mind

You were always on my

Words & Music by Willie Nelson (although I like the Elvis version too!)

I still am happy that you're mine, and you still are always on my mind. I hope I do a little better job now showing it than I used to.

Sistah Fatima (P.S. I know she's flipping out because I don't ever use the right copyright info in anything I use on the net - but I figure - what are they going to sue me for? My $5.46 savings account? Or my Pier One pillows? Bitch - I'll go to jail for those!) Anyway, the picture is cool and it's from Jeremy Sutton.com

I Can Smother Like Norman Bates

2007-04-07T15:12:00.000-05:00

My husband told me last night I was smothering. Smothering. Me. The one who was raised in a family who rarely touched let alone cuddled, hugged, etc. It wasn't until I married him (and also began having children) that I became physically demonstrative at all. And over time, it has grown and developed into the kind of physical-ness which I consider normal. And then idiot-boy tells me I tend to smother him when we're having troubles, arguments, fights, etc.

So there were tears and hurt feelings and reminders of how far I've come in 21 years, only to then be told I'm now too smothering. You see, it was him who told me 21 years ago, "hold me," "love me," "hold my hand," "be close to me." And other such things which imply physical closeness or now what they refer to as PDAs (except at home they're just either intimate displays of affection or they're sexual) Fuck him. See just how understanding I can be? Now of course this will end up taking way too much in my next therapy session (DAMN HIM!)

Perhaps tonight, after he's well asleep, I'll demonstrate just how smothering I can be........

Beware Fatima

Is this guy CRAZY?!?!?

2007-04-06T10:43:00.000-05:00

I wouldn't even do this to save one of my kids. I'd tell them as Dudley Moore said in Arthur, "you're a goner."

Burr Fatima

Retail Therapy vs. Arson

2007-04-05T15:11:00.000-05:00

So, yesterday I told my psychiatrist about my retail therapy habit. Of course he asked me why, what purpose does it serve for you, why do you do this - you know........all those questions you have no fucking answer for. Anyway, I think about it for a minute and I said, "I guess cause it makes me happy." So, he goes and doubles my anti-depressants thinking that if I'm happier, perhaps I won't shop so much (he has NO idea...........) but also he thinks it will help with my, uh, obsessive compulsive issues. I don't do the hand-washing, or checking and re-checking locks routines, but I obsess over silly shit and then shop. Until I obsess over crap again, and then shop again. And so forth. Tom Cruise would be so disappointed in me. Like I give two shits. Perhaps I'll obsess over that tonight and then go buy him a Xenu outfit and a doughnut for his ever disappearing wife, Katie, who I used to like - until she found something attractive about him.

But I digress. I told my husband and one of my daughters about my OCD, and they said they could have told me that - there's no reason to go to therapy to be told I have OCD when we've all known that for years. I hate them both. I then happily (cuz now I'm perpetually happy) told them that I'll give up retail therapy for arson. They shut up.

Fiery Fatima

Cut My Ears Off, I've Heard it all Now

2007-04-04T07:19:00.000-05:00

Keith Richards has just admitted that he snorted his father's ashes. Now, I don't mean his father's cigar or cigarette ashes - I mean HE SNORTED HIS DEAD, CREMATED, FATHER'S ASHES.

Now, I've mistaken dark chocolate for milk chocolate; brussels sprouts for broccoli; green Kool-aid for green tea; blue socks for black socks when getting dressed in the dark - but this one truly takes the cake.

Like I said - I've heard it all now. I think I can quit going to the crazy doctor now. I feel perfectly normal!

Normal Fatima

Why My Husband and I Don't Get Along

2007-04-02T10:47:00.000-05:00

This is where I want to live:

This is where he wants to live:

I definitely don't want my fat ass shoveling horse-shit and snow when I'm 70!!!

Hula Fatima

This I Fear, Therefore I Won't Let it Happen.....

2007-04-02T09:35:00.000-05:00

And this is all I have to say on this subject......

2007-04-01T20:57:00.000-05:00

Not that the croc would be full after eating her, he'd still need another 4 or 5 regular sized people, but it would be fun to watch.

Mean Fatima

The Dumbest Thing my Husband Ever Said...

2007-04-01T20:46:00.000-05:00

Now after 21 years of marriage, there are many (MANY) possibilities for this article, but this one happened today and it just took the icing, the cake and the two wax figures on top that resemble bride and groom.

Me: (scratching my thigh over and over)

Him: I told you that you were tanning for too long. If you didn't tan for so long, you wouldn't burn and then itch so much.

Me: And since when did I ever listen to you?

Him (Here it comes!): Then why did you get married?

WHY. DID. YOU. GET. MARRIED? Oh my ever loving sweet mother of our Lord Jesus. Yes, right dear, I got married because I couldn't make a single decision without your input. It's a wonder I was ever able to pick out breakfast cereal at 12 without your input, or choose a college, or pick out what to wear to school.

Needless to say this sparked a royal one, albeit a rather humorous one - but meanwhile I'm searching the Internet now as we speak to find him a mail order bride who will listen and hang on to his every word!

Astonished Fatima

These Things Should be Outlawed

2007-03-30T15:16:00.001-05:00

I Cheated.

2007-03-30T14:43:00.000-05:00

Even though I don't want to think like that anymore. I don't want to think there are good and bad foods. Foods aren't intrinsically good and/or evil. I can cheat on my husband but I'm not breaking any vows I took with an artichoke years ago if I slurp some pound cake milkshake. But still. I did the nasty. With food. But you must understand - there was a chocolate fountain and everything. If I could have only found a straw, I'd have had a place to sit all fucking afternoon!

This was all because one of my co-workers retired and there was a reception for her. Yes, there was fruit and cheese to choose from. It's not like I was in the "Abu Ghraib" room of our building strapped to a desk forced to eat mini-cheesecakes with a barking German Shepherd in front of me. But there may as well have been. So, did I make the good strawberry/cheese choice or the brownie/cake choice?

Cheatin' Fatima

Weird Fatima

2007-03-28T19:05:00.000-05:00

I promised that I would publicly proclaim all of my loved ones' weird proclivities - but I'm not sure I've done one on myself - and I'm just far too lazy to go back through all my old posts to see if I have or not. Now my wierdnesses could fill volumes but I'll pick just one for now and it has to do with food because, well, that was kind of what this blog was supposed to be about - but we've gone off on all kinds of tangents since the onset of Fatima Ponders.

Anyway, here's one of my former favorite recipes (I say former because I don't plan on eating like this anymore, but I would still eat a pound of it if it were placed in front of me.) What you do is cook up a huge pot of rice with cut up chicken and black-eyed peas. This is sort of a version of Southern "Hoppin' Johns." Anyway, to this I add Tabasco sauce and mayonnaise. Looks like an abortion in a bowl but in fact, it's an orgasm for the mouth!!!!

Black-eyed-Fatima

One day....

2007-03-28T11:11:00.000-05:00

One day...I will tell you all about boys, sex, your developing body, who to trust and who not to trust and why; how to manage your money (not that I've really learned that one yet; perhaps we'll learn that together!); all about life before you and funny stories about your sisters; how much I love your daddy; I'll tell you about your Grammy and your Grandpa who died way before their time and before they could get to know and love you; I'll tell you about growing up in California; drugs & smoking; we'll talk about ignoring the media and that your body is wonderfully crafted by God no matter what flaws you think you may have; we'll talk about funny shows, movies and good music; I'll take you to your first concert because that's what I did with your sisters. I just hope this time the artist will be better than Paula Abdul and Christina Aguilera. I'll tell you about how me and your dad met; about pets we had that you never knew; I'll tell you about God and how much you're a child of the universe and loved beyond belief; I'll tell you about your crazy Grandma and your Aunt Jenny (and beware, because they are C-R-A-Z-Y); I'll try to explain math to you but my advice would be to talk to one of your sisters. I may be a financial analyst, but don't be fooled by titles. We'll talk about college, and birth control; and how to drive safely; we'll fight over your clothes, the piercings you want, and we'll argue when I think it's time you get off your ass and get a job. We'll argue about the junk food you'll consume when you're a teenager. We'll argue over "designer" clothes versus "sale" clothes. When I get extremely tired of you and your attitude, I'll send you to your Auntie Paula's for the weekend. We'll argue about redecorating your room; throwing out old toys and clothes, and I'll forgive you every time you look at me with sheer disgust in your eyes and say, "I hate you and I hope I'm never anything like you when I grow up."

But for now, I relish in our cuddling, our tickling, the funny way you pronounce words, all your innocent goodness, I love to watch you sleep; I even love your bad morning breath because it's yours. I love surprising you with little things; I love that you are a little daredevil; I love that you are sweet and kind to people and give out lots of hugs; I love you even when you are so bad I could throw you across the room; I love when you deliberately disobey because you are developing your little personality; I love how you laugh at your own farts (and other people's too!); I love shopping with you; taking you to see Santa and the Easter Bunny. Basically, I love you so much it brings tears to my eyes at least 2 to 3 times a week. So, even though we have all those other things to look forward to in the future, I know from experience that these precious years go by all too quickly. You're my one and only little Beana.

Love, Mommy Fatima

....And on a Brighter Note...

2007-03-27T12:25:00.000-05:00

I lost a dress size! Hoo hoo! I've been eating so much oatmeal and organic blueberries, I'm beginning to look like Violet Beauregarde - um, except a much, much smaller version!

Smaller Fatima

Ode to "Dudley"

2007-03-27T12:16:00.000-05:00

My "Dudley" passed away November 2005. He was my dad. We had a love/hate relationship which is far too complex to get into now. But every little girl loves her daddy no matter what. He had problems like all of us - but he loved me. This much I know is true.

This is by the group Bread, which any of you over the age of 35 or so should remember. Music and Lyrics by David Gates.

You sheltered me from harm, kept me warm, kept me warm

You gave my life to me, set me free, set me free

The finest years I ever knew, were all the years I had with you

Chorus: I would give anything I own, give up my life, my heart, my home

I would give anything I own, just to have you back again

You taught me how to laugh, what it solved, what it solved

You never said too much, but still you showed the way

And I knew from watching you

Nobody else could ever know, the part of me that can't let go (chorus)

Is there someone you know, you're loving them so

But taking them all for granted

You may lose them one day, someone takes them away

And they don't hear the words you long to say (chorus) Just to touch you once again

Fatima-misses-daddy

Whole Foods Rock

2007-03-26T10:51:00.000-05:00

http://www.wholefoodsmarket.com/

Whole foods is the way to go - at least for me. The more and more I read, and I read a lot, we need water, minerals, vitamins, oxygen (duh), exercise and food. But not the crappy processed food we find in most markets. I cannot even begin to tell you how much better and healthier I feel eating whole foods to include all fruits, veggies, meats, very grainy breads, whole wheat couscous, brown rice, whole wheat pasta, nuts, raisins, almonds, etc.

We took our 3- year old there and the only thing she didn't like (in fact she spit it on the floor much to my dismay) were their version of gummy snacks. She loved their version of "Nutrigrain Bars" - and I had one a couple days later and couldn't tell the difference.

They're a little pricey on some things, but I once read something a doctor said. She said, "either pay the grocer now, or the doctor (or undertaker) later." Good words to live by.

Whole Fatima

P.S. I rejoined Curves; got bored with my gym. Gotta switch things up from time to time. Plus my mom is moving here in May and she'll want to go to Curves with me, because God forbid she'd go to a gym where there might be men!!! Oy.

Things I Don't Care About...

2007-03-23T14:40:00.001-05:00

...why Nick & Jessica's marriage didn't work out
...how much trans fat is in margarine, or anything for that matter
...what the difference is between Wii and XBox 360, and PlayStation and all that silly crap
...the difference between Sunnis and Shias and why the hell they can't get along for the love of God

...what Chicken McNuggets are really made of
...who Miss America is. Who is she anyway?
...how a hybrid engine works
...Are "No Doubt" still a group?

...What's the difference between gel and acrylic nails?

...the advantages of crate training your dog versus not going so

...new guidelines of reporting greenhouse gas emissions

...who Rosie O'Donnell hates now

...What I should check on my portfolio every 6 months; hell I can hardly spell portfolio

...Your weekend. I only asked to be courteous.

...If an actor hates Jews, women, gays, rulers, SUVs, laptops - hell I don't give two shits

...Whether or not there's a sound in the woods when a tree falls and no one's around.

...all about your dog's pedigree; or even all about your dog at all.

...who's really the father of Dannielynn Marshall Smith Stern

...when your kid was potty-trained, or how many sports they play in, or what their grades are

...what "x" is, and why do all math teachers want to know that anyway?

Fatima-Doesn't-Care

Someone Needs to Bitch-slap Them Both and I Think it Should be me!

2007-03-18T07:11:00.000-05:00

Found myself up early for a change on Saturday -no dog, husband, toddler, etc. I attempted to watch the news but they were all simultaneously on commercial break. So I flipped through channels until I found the Paris & Nicole: Interns show. Now normally, I 'd change the channel as soon as I could find the remote, but this one was a little humorous (let's face it, they all are just a little humorous). They were in a bakery making (or attempting) to make cakes and cupcakes.

It was like watching that famous "I Love Lucy" episode where Ethel and Lucy are at the candy factory. Anyway, after they failed miserably this heavy-set black woman who's probably been working since work was in vented told them that if they didn't shape up, they weren't going to get their daily paycheck, to which Paris mockingly groaned a sort of combination of "ohhhhhh," and "waaaaaa." Now, I immediately wanted to reach through the TV and bitch slap her, but c'mon, does that poor, disillusioned lady really think $8.48 makes a world of different to PARIS HILTON" Hell, that isn't even her cap ride home, not to mention she could buy the freaking cookie factory if she wanted to.

People-Fatima-Wants-to-Maim

Happy St. Patty's Day - Be Safe

2007-03-16T13:03:00.000-05:00

Irish they were and drunk for sure and they sat in the comer of Mulligan's newly refurbished bar.

Across the wall opposite was a huge mirror, fourteen feet long and stretching from floor to ceiling.

Glancing around the room Pat suddenly spotted their reflection in the mirror. 'Mick, Mick, he whispered. 'Don't look now but there's two fellas over there the image of us!' '

In the name of God, said Mick, spotting the reflection. 'They're wearing identical clothes and everything.'

'They are indeed, said Pat. 'I'm going to buy them a drink.' But as Pat started to rise from his seat, Mick said, 'Sit down Pat one of them's coming over!'

McFatima O'toole

My Visit to the Crazy Doctor

2007-03-15T13:40:00.000-05:00

Fatima waddled in to the shrink's office yesterday. I'm not totally crazy about this guy. I'm sure he knows what he's doing, but I think he was absent on the "How to be Personable" day in med school. He has a bit of a superior attitude, although I've had a long history of dealing with 'resident douchebags' and I frequently find ways to subtly knock them down a notch or two from their self-proclaimed pedestals. I often wonder why certain people get into certain career fields, don't you?

And here's just a bit of my own prejudice. I consider myself an ardent feminist, yet there are still some manly traits I believe men should have, and one of them is not being effeminate - unless of course you're gay. Another is hyphenating your name. WTF? I'm not even a huge fan when women do it, but okay. But he has a hyphenated last name. What the hell. Here doc, try these words out for size:

"No, honey. I'm not hyphenating our two names. If you choose to, fine. If you want to keep your maiden name, fine. But I'm not hyphenating my name. Why? Because I'll look like a pussy. End of story."

Bottom line - I'm now on my happy pills and he and I talk, we're talking about my weight, eating disorder/bad self image issues.

www.offthemark.com

Fatimah-on-the couch

A Girl Can Dream, Can't She?

2007-03-11T19:45:00.000-05:00

If I were a rich girl....

I'd look like this:

I'd be married to him:

we'd live here:

and this is what we'd look at every night:

Fatima-Sniffing-Glue

(...and back to my real, boring, life. Boo)

WWDMD?

2007-03-10T09:17:00.000-05:00

What Would Dave Matthews Do if he were feeling a little blue? He'd drink, smoke, dance, be merry and make wonderful music. He'd take life's lemons and make lemonade. Today, I'll make lemonade in honor of Dave.

"Celebrate we will

Because life is short but sweet for certain

We're climbing two by two

To be sure these days continue

These things we cannot change."

Fatima-thinking-of-Dave

Click Here for Instant Help

2007-03-09T10:25:00.000-05:00

I love the author Augusten Burroughs. If you haven't read anything by him yet, stop what you're doing immediately and get to Borders or Barnes & Noble and spend the next week or two catching up. Call in sick to work if you need to. He's poignant, touching, painfully honest and hilarious. And so, because I'm such a huge fan of his, I check out his website at least twice a month to see what's new. He's at www.augusten.com.

Anyhow, he now has a section of all of his favorite sites/links, and one is:

www.vermontclothingstore.com - and to my amazement they have a button on their website which says - and I quote - "Click Here for Instant Help." Can you imagine? Have you ever seen such help in your lifetime? And so I clicked. I told them I need some anti-depressants, some anti-anxiety meds, a part-time housekeeper, help with training our dog, our toddler, one personal trainer to come over 3 times a week, a part-time dietitian, and some therapy - perhaps once a week or at least until I get out of this blue funk I'm in. I'm hoping that their little button was meant to be taken literally, but I've received no phone calls or knocks on my door yet. I'm sure they're just gathering their little group of professionals and getting them all ready for me....

Which brings me to this. I'll be back in therapy as of next week. Seems every few years, I find myself in need of someone to talk to, and someone to medicate me. After much soul searching I believe I need to stay on anti-depressant meds from now on. I tend to fall into that trap of believing that when I feel all is well, I go off the meds. Perhaps I'm just hard-wired to look at the cup as half-empty. Genes from both mom and pop probably prevail in that area. They were/are both depressed but never took anything for it.

I've never brought up my weight/eating issues up to a professional before; I'll be sure to share the insights.

Nuttier-than-a-holiday-fruitcake-Fatima

P.S. If you loved Gary Larsen's cows in The Far Side, you'll probably like the wacky chickens at http://www.savagechickens.com/.

God, Save Me From Your Believers...

2007-03-08T13:27:00.000-05:00

Fatima-says-Amen

I'm Bored...

2007-03-08T12:15:00.000-05:00

...with life

...with my job

...with exercise

...with eating...anything

...with this weather

...with crappy music

...with TV

...with feel-good books

...with my marriage

...with Baltimore

...with meetings which produce nothing but more meetings

...with idiots in meetings who think they have unique ideas (not)

...with Britney Spears, Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan, and with how many more children Brangelina will adopt

...with my clothes

...with the Internet

...with being bored

I need a battle of some sort. Not exactly drama in my life but I need to battle a bad guy. Except I can't even think of anything at all that interests me enough to fight for. I want to punch something or someone - although I'm not even quite sure why. I want to go to therapy and scream at a professional "I'm bored! Make me better!!" and have him/her look at me like I'm crazy. At least that would be interesting.

Fatima-in-need

A Time for Every Season

2007-03-06T16:09:00.000-05:00

.....and today it was time for chocolate. I must find other ways to comfort myself from life's little crapload. Times when your boss is an ass; times when you're late for work; times for when you're sick; feeling lonely, times when you hate studying and wonder why you just didn't take care of all of your education at one time when you were young and unencumbered.

The do-gooders tell you to drink tea, exercise, think positive thoughts. Hmmm. Ok. I've tried all those and they don't bring on the calming wonderfulness that is Hersheys. There must be opiates in chocolates, and if not, I'll pay big money to the person who will please invent the first chocolate-covered-Percoset.

I don't feel bad because I had a piece of chocolate, but I feel bad because that's what I always turn to - and isn't there something better I could do? Maybe I'll start biting my nails.

Fatimah-with-chocolate-in-her-teeth